Dishing with a Demon (Ep. 9) | Fantasy High

Dishing with a Demon (Ep. 9) | Fantasy High

October 20, 2019 100 By William Hollis


– Fabian cranks the (bleep)
engine of The Hangman. The strands of web attached to the bike, Gorgug grabs Riz under one arm, adding extra weight to the jump, up, boom! You guys leap from here, (sound of toppling rubble) Bam! Into the (bleep) acid. (group cheering) – So dope! – Living dwarves turn to face you, the ruby deep beneath the factory glows and you hear, (imitates
creature growling). Bursting up with you on his back. (players laughing and yelling) – [Siobhan] Oh my god! – [Ally] (bleep) What the (bleep)? – [Brennan] Bursting forward, an ancient demon of flame and fire. (gravelly) Fig? (high-pitched) Daddy? (ambient music) (bird screech) (animal roar) – Brennan?
– Yeah? – My goal today? – [Brennan] Yeah? – Is to make your life a living hell. (laughter)
– [Brennan] Hey dude? – Yeah man, we’re not even
going to this place you plan– – Give me your (bleep) (bleep). – Yeah, Brennan, (bleep) you man, we just want to go eat ice
cream and go to the library. – You can’t avoid what you don’t
know you’re trying to miss, you know what I mean? I am around you, I’m in here. I am (bleep) everywhere. – I spent the last five days studying– – I cast Brave Sickness on the DM. (laughter)
– Oh, the DM (bleep) accepts and (bleep) barfs (bleep)
monsters out at you. (laugher) I mean, I’m ready, baby! Hello, and welcome back to Fantasy High! My name is Brennan Lee Mulligan, these are our intrepid heroes. Say hi, intrepid heroes! – [Everyone] Hi, intrepid heroes! – (shouts) No! (normal voice) Guys, we’re
having such a great time. (laughter) Last we left our intrepid heroes, they were back at the
Durinson Mithril Factory, having released (growly)
Gorthalax the Insatiable (normal voice) from deep within the bowels of the old mines, Gorthalax turned out to be Fig’s dad! – Woo! So good to be back. – We have some business to wrap up at the Mithril Factory, last we left off. – I just wanted to make sure that the dwarf that we made
unconscious didn’t die, since they are just a
bunch of kids, right? – I think they took him away, did they? – They did? – You saw Torek Railgrinder
raise her ax and shield and fully heal that dwarf. As they skate away, you
see their backpacks, these kids are from Oakshield. Meaning they’re middle schoolers. – They’re middle school kids. – [Brennan] They’re middle school kids. – Real quick, real quick. – We just got dunked on so badly by a bunch of middle school kids, it’s so embarrassing. – No, but we dunked on them. – Well, no, but even needing to dunk against a middle schooler means that we got dunked on. – Yeah. – There are no almost dunks. We dunked. – No. – So no one died? No one died, they all skated away? – You dropped, well, the
Golem is very much destroyed, but whether it was ever living and can be said to have died is a matter of kind of arcane cosmology. – It didn’t. (laughter) – It’s easier for my brain– (laughter) – He died! – But the dwarves all made it out fine. – Okay, so there’s no extra
skateboards lying around that I could snag? – You do not see any extra skateboards, you can see there’s– – Can I do a search check?
(laughter) To double check? – Go ahead and make an investigate check. – Oh (bleep)! That is gonna be a 19. (laughs) – A 19? So you’re just snooping around, looking for an extra deck, and your (bleep) long-lost father is like, (gravelly) Hey, you lookin’ for anything, what’s, so we were gonna go
get some ice cream, right? – Yes, that was the plan. – Let’s do that. – (gravelly) All right, let’s do it, huh? – I link arms with my Daddy. – You link arms with your Daddy, sort of looks down at enormous arm, he smiles down with this
weird skull demon face, just sort of (snarls). You see he goes, (gravelly) by the dark powers
of the nine realms of the pit, I transport us! (normal voice) A fiery pentagram covers the ground underneath you, and whoosh, you appear in
the parking lot of Basrar’s! – My dad is so metal. – Oh wow! – (gravelly) Rad, all right, well, you guys file in and
just, whatever you like, get whatever you like! – I grab Kristen to the back of the group as we’re walking in and I’m like, this is bad, right? – I don’t know anymore. – Okay, but I know that
you’re going through an existential crisis, but– – Adaine, I talk to the devil. – [Siobhan] Yeah, and– – In fire. – Oh, that’s… Good, is that good? – It wasn’t this devil– – Was it a different devil? Well, I mean, there are
many gods and many devils. – No, you’re right, but also this might not be good, he seems kind of weird. – Yeah. I just, I don’t know, it’s weird. – Yeah. – I mean, I’m still
gonna take the ice cream. – Yeah, same. – I’ve created a minor illusion, I’ve cast a minor illusion on my shirt
(sound of magical sparkles) so now it says Daddy’s Little Demon. (laughter) – I feel like no one I know
actually uses the word Daddy as much as I’m hearing it used. – No I, it’s a– – It’s a sex thing, right? Like, I don’t know. – It seems like a sex thing. – Why don’t you make my shirt say… (Emily laughs) Her Daddy’s… Little Demon? (laughter) – Don’t we, does the, does Gorthalax still have the rat? – Yes. He is holding this small, little rat. He goes, (gravelly) Riz,
you want to hold on to this? – Yeah. – [Brennan] (gravelly) Here you go. Little squeaky guy!
(sound of rat squeaks) Look at him, look at him go. – Aw cute! – He sees, so you guys go in there, he crawls in through the door
(bell jingles) and stomps over, Basrar comes over, sort of
little icy whirlwind genie in this sort of soda fountain
clerk outfit, and goes, (exotic accent) ah, I see that
your wish for ice cream later has, unless you do not wish to
use that wish at this point. – Actually, we don’t need to use it because my dad will be paying. – Thank God. – (gravelly) Oh sure, yeah, absolutely. You guys file in and I got it, the whole thing’s on
Gorthalax, so that’s fine. (normal voice) You are led over to the big, round, cushy, red booth, over at the corner, Gorthalax looks up and, you can see, everyone
make an insight check. (dice rolls) – 20, not nat 20. – 23. – 27. – Five. – I got a 12. – [Brian] So insightful. (laughter) – He might be your dad! – Here’s the thing, Gorgug. You know how important
this moment is for Fig, so you would never want
to steal her thunder or rain on your parade, it seems pretty likely that..
(tender piano music) Gorthalax is probably also your dad. – My dad? – What did you roll? – [Zac] A five. (laughter) – You got 27, you got a 23? – I, yeah. – You guys are looking at Gorthalax sitting next to Fig, and you see his body language is such that his knees are kind of drawn up as these giant hooves, he’s
trying not to hit anything, his wings are kind of
folded up behind him, he’s tied up his whip on his belt of his weird, furry loincloth with human skulls on it. And you see that he
looks extremely bashful and kind of shy, like he’s trying to make as good an impression as possible. And just looks very, you
see he keeps looking over at Fig and kind of smiling, and seems kind of also very jarred from having been trapped in a ruby for some amount of years, (laughter) and being free. He looks down at Fig and says, (gravelly) so wow, so these are your pals, tell me all about it, how’s Adventuring Academy and all that? – Oh, it’s cool. I’m taking a lot of
barbarian classes, so– – (gravelly) Great, that’s great! You should be well-rounded, I mean, you’re young. – I’m a barbarian. – Yeah. – And…
(tender piano music) I just thought I’d interject here, and… I haven’t been able to
stop thinking about it, for the past few minutes that
I think I should address it. (laughter) – Gorgug, please. – Gorgug. – Are you my dad? (everyone groans) Are you my sister, and are you my dad? – I’m so sorry, sir. – [Emily] Oh my God! – We’re all hugging it,
we’re all wondering. (everyone chattering) – Fig is really great. – Fig starts crying and she’s like, my little family is growing. – Fig, do not encourage this! Fig, don’t encourage this! – (gravelly) We’re gonna take a T.O., we’re gonna take a time out, so– – Are you my papa? – (gravelly) I, hey, here’s the thing. I don’t, I think probably, if I were your dad, you would have probably sprouted horns or shown some kind of infernal legacy. That doesn’t mean that
I’m not proud of you, it doesn’t mean that I
don’t think it’s great that you really see, you guys kicked (bleep) in that battle, you know, good job, kiddo. – [Ally] Thanks. – Thank you. – Thank you! – It’s very sweet of you.
(laughter) – Yeah, that’s really nice. – (gravelly) Hey– – Gorgug has dinky parents. – Oh, they’re so cute, I love his parents. I love your parents so much! – Just to explain why he’s
kind of hung up on this. Sorry, I didn’t mean it
like that’s an insult. – (gravelly) Well, this might seem crazy, but I kind of, I’ve
always felt like family isn’t purely limited to blood, it’s, you sort of choose
your family in a way. – Yeah, it’s like
everyone else who believes in the same God you do. – Adaine just has one tear
just scrolling down her face. – (gravelly) So that’s wild, so you guys, how did you find me, that’s crazy. – So. We, you should have seen
us in this other fight. I was driving a Corvette. We have all the time in the world, I’m sure you’ll hear about it. But we, you know, we– – Can I message to Fig to say, I don’t think
that we should tell him about the palimpsest? – Yeah, you hear Adaine, pshew. Go ahead and make a sleight of hand to conceal this from Gorthalax. (die rolls) (laughter) – A four. – You see Gorthalax
stops suddenly and says, (gravelly) I don’t, the last
thing I want to be is rude, I heard your message, I
can kind of smell magic, I’m made out of kind of
raw extraplanar energy. – And I’m made from that. – (gravelly) I don’t
think it’s fair for me to act on what I heard, ’cause it was said in confidence, but I also want to be just forthcoming and just say that I heard it. – I’m sorry. – [Brennan] (gravelly) You’re not, hey– – I’m so sorry. – (gravelly) Hey guys,
you’re not in any trouble, you’re fine. You’re all fine. So shoot me straight here, what’s going on. Why did you guys come
and get me out of there, why were you coming to
the mithril Factory? – We’ve got– – Why are, who put you in that ruby? – (gravelly) Who put me in the ruby? – That’s a good question, you know what? We should seek revenge on whoever put my dad in a precious gem! – (gravelly) Well, if you want to go kick this guy’s (bleep), his name’s Arthur Aguefort. – [Everyone] Oh! – Well. (laughs) – He actually kicked his own ass. Interesting. – I mean, happy news,
there’s a way to view it as, we actually killed Arthur Aguefort. – Yeah, I did sneak him
into heaven, though, but that was– – (gravelly) Sorry? – [Ally] That was really quick. – He committed suicide so that we might, two of us actually died, who was it? Kristen died and Gorgug died. And Arthur produced the last phoenix egg, and killed another man and himself, that they might live again. – Wait a second, so Arthur
Aguefort is responsible for the fact that I grew up without a father? – (gravelly) I should say, in his defense, I kind of went buck wild. – Who doesn’t, dad? – What do you mean buck wild?
– What kind of buck wild? The biggest buck wild? – You know what, you
see Basrar brings over a bunch of sundaes and milkshakes, you see Gorthalax says, (gravelly) by the way, if you guys want to get real food too, I don’t know if you had dinner, I probably shouldn’t
just get you ice cream. – Could I get some nuts? – (gravelly) Just, yeah,
let’s get some nuts. Probably, I’m thinking
like chicken fingers here. – Just some extra nuts and then that’s my dinner. Protein! – [Lou] Oh God! – My people survived in the desert with just a few nuts
raining down from heaven. – No, we understand. – (gravelly) Okay. We’ll get some nuts, that’s good, so… (normal voice) You see Basrar brings over a bunch of ice cream. – Everything in my religion is sexual. – Yeah, we get it, mm-hmm. (laughter) – Gorthalax looks over and says, (gravelly) all right, we’ll
do a little flashback here, so I used to be an angel. All right? I was Gortheo, the Seraph of eating the
right amount of food. – Oh wow. – (gravelly) And when I fell from grace, I became Gorthalax the Insatiable. – A very specific angel name. – Yeah. – You were the angel of eating
the right amount of food? – Did you just eat a
lot of Think Thin bars? – Wait, so you’re a fallen– – (gravelly) Fallen angel. – What are other angel names? – What is the right amount of food? – Yeah. – What exact, is there a– – (gravelly) It’s based on the person, it’s not a calorie thing. It’s just based on the person. Because obviously, you not eating enough. – [Lou] Uh-huh. – (gravelly) That’s not great. – Uh-huh. – (gravelly) You’re eating too much, that’s not great either. And it’s not just for personal reasons, it’s for sort of community, right, you know, when food is going to be scarce. – Thank you. – Honestly, I think you did
the right thing falling. Being insatiable is way cooler. – With Sol and Helio in heaven– – (gravelly) I was an angel of Sol, yeah. – Whoa, isn’t he lame? I met him and he sucked! – (gravelly) Did you meet Sol or Helio? – [Ally] I met Helio. – (gravelly) Yeah, that guy sucks. – Wait, so Sol doesn’t suck? – (gravelly) Sol’s a hard guy to read. You know, sun god, you can’t
really look right at him. – Yeah. – Even you can’t? – (gravelly) No. Certainly not now. But even back in the day, you know, you were going to go into his office, you’d kind of have to, you know– – That’s in the Holy Book of Grain, a bunch of people see
him and then they leave and there’s a big, you know,
floating black dot where– – (gravelly) Yeah. – [Ally] They tried looking at Helio. – (gravelly) Exactly, it’s
yeah, a hundred percent. Yeah, I fell from grace during the sort of reign of Kalvaxis, and it’s just like, a couple centuries ago, and I landed over in where I was, the Durinson Mithril Factory. So about 15 years ago, dwarves did what dwarves do, they delved too greedily and too deep, and I basically sprung out, and I kind of went, I don’t, I kind of, you know,
I was dealing with some stuff at the time, I hadn’t
really processed my feelings about falling and I went ham, you know? I really– What kind of stuff? – [Brennan] (gravelly) Hmm? – What kind of stuff were you doing? – (gravelly) Murder, I was doing an incredible amount of murder. – Whoa! – Just straight up murder, like ritual killing or– – (gravelly) No, not ritual kill, I just sort of go into town, you know. – Uh-huh. – I’m sure you had your reasons. – Well, Fig, you have
murderer’s blood in you. – [Brennan] (gravelly) Yeah, that’s fair. – That sounds awesome, I’m even more metal. – Do you, what are you insatiable for? Murder? Or food? – (gravelly) Food,
murder, kind of all of it. – Just excess? – [Brennan] (gravelly) Excess in general. – Okay. – What’s that, I get, there’s just too much
ice cream for all of us. Oh (laughs), this is fine. – (gravelly) Well, I
actually, if you want to know, (normal voice) You see
that he lifts the ice cream to his mouth and as it
gets close to his mouth, the fire in the back
of his mouth heats up, (sound of roaring flames) and all the ice cream
melts and evaporates, and he goes, (gravelly) so, it’s kind of
insatiable in that I can’t. – Oh. – Oh, it’s in-satiable. – (gravelly) In-satiable. – [Ally] Wow. – That’s well thought out,
I like that, it’s funny. – (gravelly) For sure, yeah.
– Don’t worry, dad. I can figure out a way to
get you to eat, finally. – (gravelly) Kiddo, that’s very sweet. – [Emily] I’m on it. – (gravelly) This is so rad, what is this, this jacket rules, this is awesome. – This is Johnny Spells’s jacket. – (gravelly) Oh, that turd! – [Emily] Yeah! – (gravelly) Yeah!
(laughter) For sure. – After we killed him, I
took it as a spoil of war. – (gravelly) That’s a, that (bleep) rules. – [Emily] Thank you. – (gravelly) That’s awesome. So I busted out of there, I kind of made for the Mountains of Chaos, and on the way out of Solace, I met Sandralynn, I met your mom. – Did you guys hit it off? I kind of hate her these days, so I’m like, what did you even see in her? – (sighs) (gravelly) You know, kiddo. I don’t think that any of
your feelings are wrong. But I think that something
that happened sometime when a parent is absent, is that the people that
you’re with every day, they get the brunt of those
feelings of sadness, right? That you’re experiencing. And I think probably I deserve at least a part of that. But it’s only ’cause I wasn’t around that I get all this extra credit that I really haven’t earned. Your mom worked (bleep) off. And I’m not, I don’t want to tell you
your feelings are wrong, but I’m not super comfortable talking poorly about the
woman who, after all, brought you into the world and raised you. – Holy (bleep), he’s such a nice devil. – Right, it’s like, is
he a demon, (bleep)? Crazy, I don’t– – I hear everything you’re saying. And I realize now that I have
completely mistreated Gilear. – The Lunch Lad? (laughter) – Yeah, Gilear the Lunch Lad. – Oh. – That’s my– – Oh right. – Oh, your stepdad or– – My stepdad or, I don’t know what we are anymore. – Mr. The Insatiable, – (gravelly) Mm-hmm? – Do you mind me asking why it was that you were
trapped in the ruby? – (gravelly) I made for the border, Sandralynn caught me, I didn’t, to be honest, I didn’t know she was married at the time. – Pathetic. – (gravelly) But we had a
really powerful connection that felt special, and when I kind of was– – Did you have sex? – You can’t ask that to– – Where do you think I came from? – You can’t ask if people had– – Okay, I’m sorry! What was it like? – Stop! – Hmm? – Stop! – What? – I definitely don’t want to hear about what my dad’s sex is like. – No, I do actually, you know what, actually I am interes-, you’re like seven feet tall and a demon. – Okay, everyone stop talking
about sex with my dad! – [Lou] Oh! – Sorry, he was so, he just put everything into words so great– – (gravelly) Here’s the thing, guys, I’m gonna be real with y’all right now. – I don’t like this energy at all. (laughter) – (gravelly) If you want to talk, if you guys haven’t had the talk, I’ll give you the talk. – We don’t– – [Brennan] (gravelly) It’s not gonna be– – Wait a second, this is awesome, this is what dads and
their daughters– (laughs) – This is what, this is
definitely what dads, daughters, and their five close friends do in an ice cream shop
in public. (laughs) – Was the talk for everyone else the hand counts as sex and you still, you need to save yourself for marriage? – No. – Not that part. – (gravelly) First of all, I would say that sex
is any time two people are expressing love for each other in a way that feels intimate, right? Sex doesn’t have to involve your genitals, some people have sex that
don’t even have them. You know, there’s certain elementals and other creatures
that aren’t biological, sex is an– – Can you have sex by accident then? – (gravelly) By accident? – Have I had sex with an elemental? – I don’t think we’ll ever understand– – (gravelly) I would
hope that you would know. – Why are we talking about, this is gross. – Can I see how the rat is
kind of reacting to him? I want to kind of, I
want to give a nod over to Gorthalax and what, do
we know the rat’s name? – Go ahead and make a
little investigate check. – Okay. (die rolls) That’s going to be a lot, where’s, why do I not see, oh. It’s 23. – You look back over your notes from your first couple days at school, and catch the name Edgar
that you wrote down as the name of the rat. Gorthalax goes, (gravelly) well, okay, if this
is a little uncomfortable, I get that. But here’s what I’d say now. I, to kind of give you guys the timeline, Johnny Spells started coming around the Durinson Mithril Factory couple years ago, two or three years ago, something like that. And first, when he got there, all he was really doing
was just going there to sort of dance his feelings out, you know, it was like a
big, abandoned factory, and he would kind of go and, you know, post up on a wall and kind
of hit it rhythmically and then kind of take his jacket off– – Did he ever swing around on a chain? – (gravelly) Swing around on a chain and kind of slide on his knees. – He’d drink maybe one half of a beer. – (gravelly) Yeah, half of a beer and then he would kind of smash it and he’d kind of knee way up high, snapping and kind of sort of
charging down a long thing. – Wow, did he ever pretend to weld so that the sparks were flying up at him? – (gravelly) That’s basically all he did. He, there’s a bunch of
stuff in that factory that’s not going anywhere, ’cause it’s welded to other stuff that it has no business being welded to. (upbeat rock music) – Did he bring girls up there? – (gravelly) No, he didn’t. (laughs) Part of the deal I made with him was that he couldn’t do
any kind of sex stuff. I kind of got the immediate vibe this guy was a creep and was
sort of just a bit I was doing that I thought was funny. That was like, what if I made this dude not even be able to sort
of jerk off, you know. – Whoa. – (gravelly) Or he can’t be– – I can’t imagine what
that life would be like. It would be weird (bleep). – (gravelly) You never
explored your body, Kristen? – No. – Holy (bleep). You’re not allowed to
ask young girls that. – One time with a corn cob! – Oh! – Can I ask another question instead of dealing with this? – (gravelly) Right, T.O. gang. Why are we shaming Kristen for something that’s, again, perfectly– – I love this guy! – [Brennan] (gravelly) Natural– – Are you starting a religion? – (gravelly) I do technically I, kind of my deal is I do buy souls, so if you wanted to sell
your soul for powers. – No, Kristen. – Kristen, it’s my dad. I can vouch for him. He’s legit. – Gorthalax, can we get a
T.O. from you real quick? – [Lou] Yes, agreed. – I would like to T.O. your T.O. and bring it back– – (gravelly) You know what? I’m gonna go out, I’m gonna go outside. I’m gonna go outside, I’m
gonna have a quick cigarette, I haven’t lit up in, I don’t know. – Oh, I’ve got some cloves,
hand-rolled, if you want any. – (gravelly) Cloves? – Hand rolled cloves? (laughs) – He takes it and says, (gravelly) you know what, I’ll give, I haven’t smoked a clove
since I was what, 3,000? Yeah, I’ll give it a shot. That’s crazy. – I don’t think anyone who smokes cloves knows how to hand roll anything. (laughs) That is the entry level– – You guys see that
Gorthalax goes outside. – Can I ask who’s going outside, do an arcana check on him? – Sure, go for it. – I’m just gonna stare out the window while he’s out there.
(laughter) Like a cat whose owner has just left. – Everyone needs to stop
telling the demon everything. – Well, I’m sorry, I was
trying to message her– – Am I– – No, no, no, I’m not, I’m
talking about the people who were telling him everything. – Oh, about the suicides? – About trying to make
him your patron devil. – I don’t know– – Yeah, you definitely don’t want to become a warlock, that’s– – Do you guys not think
about these things? Like what happens to us when we die! – This is my dad. – [Ally] Why are we here? – Sometimes you go to hell. – Yeah, if you die,
you’re gonna go to hell. And while you’re alive,
you have to sacrifice something great in your life like Johnny Spells had to sacrifice ever having an orgasm, I guess? But whatever your equivalent is, but no, but he wouldn’t
take that from you, he would take– – I just have a question. – Think about it, your
text asks you to sacrifice, you make so many
sacrifices for the Corn God based off of some stupid book, so if my dad just asked
you to give up chocolate– – It’s not gonna be chocolate, it’s gonna be like friends or something. – I got a question. Guys, okay. I don’t know what he can hear, he seems very powerful, he seems like maybe he
can hear us right now. So I’m gonna write a little note and then I’m gonna show you guys and then I want to show
them to remember that there was a fallen angel
that was part of the, part of the evidence the first day when we got into a fight in the cafeteria. – [Siobhan] Mm-hmm. – So just something to keep in mind. – [Siobhan] Mm-hmm. – While we all become best friends. – Oh, you’re right, we
should do this more often. – I can’t– – Can I throw that piece
of paper up in the air and then cast Fireball on it? (sound of roaring flames)
– Phew, burns up. You guys see Gorthalax comes back in. He kind of sits bashfully
down at the table. He says, (gravelly) listen. You’d have to be pretty thick to not recognize that you’re kind of making people uncomfortable, and I just want to say, it’s no hard feelings, I get it. I come from the deepest pit of hell. And I– – Oh, we’re not uncomfortable, we’re fine. – Can I just… Can I do a Sense Motive, or is it just Insight? – [Brennan] Insight, yeah.
– Okay. I’ll just try again. (die rolls) Okay, I got a 10. – You see he seems like he’s just talking, he seems a pretty relaxed guy, you see he goes, (gravelly) Kristen? – Mm-hmm. – (gravelly) I appreciate
that you’re having a crisis of faith, I had the same thing, it’s why I fell. I don’t think I’m a great choice for you. Fundamentally, what I do now, going around and collecting
the souls of the wicked is a part of a larger bureaucracy. The truth is that heaven and
hell aren’t really opposed. Heaven rewards the just, hell punishes the wicked, that’s kind of the two
sides of the same scheme, it’s like two different
offices in the same company, you know what I mean? So I don’t think you would find the answers you’re looking for with me. The truth is that 90 percent of the time, heaven and hell are kind of working towards the same end. Mostly what I do when I go around– – I think she’s good, I
think she’s doing well. – [Brennan] (gravelly) You okay? (laughs) – I’m fine! Keep going! (laughter) – [Zac] She’s good, she’s good. – I just, I think I, something in my brain popped, but I’m still listening,
please keep going. – (gravelly) I don’t,
all I’m saying is this. Me going around– – Yeah, there. – You see Gorthalax lights
one up with his thumb. (gravelly) Basically, what
I do when I collect souls is I go around, there’s
wicked people in the world. And a lot of wicked people live in very comfortable countries
and have very boring lives. So they go through their whole life and kind of back door
their way into heaven. Does that make sense? They were bad the whole time, but they were just comfortable, and they never had a shot
to do something wicked. So what devils like me do is kind of just give people a shot to show their true colors,
you know what I mean? The harmless guy at the bar who’s just got a big
mouth, and everyone’s like, ah, that guy’s a crank, you know? He’s harmless. Well, if he was prime minister, he’d be a (bleep) war criminal, right? He’d be a monster. So a lot of what I do is, when we go and offer power and temptation, what we’re doing is kind of
stress testing the system, making sure that people, you know. – Do you think that there’s a, how many fallen angels
do you think there are in our town? – (gravelly) In the town? – [Zac] Are there a lot– – (gravelly) It’s just
me, I’m the only one here. – Oh wow, cool. So it’s all your job, then? – (gravelly) Let’s turn it to you guys. What is it you guys are after, it feels like you guys
are on some kind of tip or that you guys have some
kind of mission going on. – We’re just trying to
fill the day, you know. – Yeah, The Ball, what have
we been up to recently? – You know, we’ve, we got dunked on by some
Oakshield Middle Schoolers so we went to the warehouse to rumble. – Make a deception check. (die rolls) (laughter) – Oh boy, boy oh boy. Five. (laughter) Is this guy my dad? I’m just kidding. (laughter) – He looks at you and says, (gravelly) you have no reason to trust me. I get it. However, Johnny Spells’s jacket,
Johnny Spells’s motorcycle, Zayn Darkshadow’s rat. You guys are after some (bleep). I knew what Johnny Spells was up to. That kid was my vassal, I owned his soul. If you guys have questions, I can answer them. – Was he responsible for the Corn Cuties? – (gravelly) Corn what? (Emily laughs) – [Brian] We were– – We were attacked, we
were attacked by corn. It’s my dad, I trust him. We were attacked by corn. Someone cursed a vat of corn, and that corn had (bleep) out of which more corn came, pretty straightforward, you understand– – (gravelly) I gotta, I’m real, we got into the, we took sort of a step in the middle of the process
to a whole corn conversation that I’m not really party to. – What do you know about Johnny Spells besides that he dances? You told us that, we know for a fact that he hung out with girls, so why are you telling us that he didn’t hang out with girls? – (gravelly) He did, I know he started hanging out with girls. There was, okay. (normal voice) He says, (gravelly) I got sealed in that ruby. Johnny came around, I was stuck there. And I basically thought, (bleep), I’m trapped in a ruby, let’s have some fun. And I was like, sure
kid, sell me your soul. He was so easy, he was desperate to sell his soul to somebody. (soft, mysterious music) Said give me your soul. – Loser. – (gravelly) No, yeah. Well, okay. No (bleep). And he started doing crimes, he got his whole tiefling
greaser gang together, and it was all kind of going well for him until some job went south, he was sticking up a bank in Bastion City. He, something went wrong with the job, he was, I guess it was more intense than he thought it was going to be. And he got in to the Harvestmen. They owned him, somehow. – What are the Harvestmen? – Anyone that wishes to
may make a religion check. – I’ll do that for sure. (dice rolls) 20. Not a nat 20. – Hell yeah. Kristen, you know the Harvestmen. The Harvestmen are a scary, fanatical sect of followers of Helio. The Harvestmen are basically, they’re not demonic or infernal, they believe themselves to
be true followers of Helio, but they traffic in
infernal and demonic magic because they are trying to
bring about the apocalypse. So they’re this hyper-conservative,
radical, militant sect. – Cool, yeah, yeah. – And they’re trying to
bring about the apocalypse because they fundamentally
believe that heaven will win, and that this world is wicked and that when children
are born into this world, it’s just damning more souls to hell. So they want to bring
about the end of the world. – [Ally] Got it. Oh, the Harvestmen. I went to the Harvest Festival growing up. – (gravelly) God! – It’s awesome. It was just 20 hours of lectures, and then you can– – Is this what you tell us, out of all that info you
just learned? (laughs) We just hear Harvest Festival? – There’s no other part there? (laughter) – Yeah, the Harvestmen
are awesome, you guys. – [Brennan] You see- – No, seriously! The Harvestmen, you go
there, you learn so much, because you have to
stay awake for 20 hours while they’re talking to you. There’s a pop quiz, and if you pass, you get
to go to bed for two hours. But if you don’t, you have to clean. – It sounds really bad– – These men owned Johnny Spells, just a bunch of people who
run essentially a conference? – Like a summer camp, counselors?
– [Brennan] You see he goes, (gravelly) Kristen, you had no, the men that were teaching you, they were all wearing scarecrow masks over their face, right? – Yeah. – [Brennan] (gravelly) Yeah– – They’re really eccentric, they just, they really believe– – (gravelly) They’re a hardcore cult, they are a militant, violent organization of religious fanatics. – What? – Do they ever try to trap people, or sacrifice people? – (gravelly) They’re, well, they try to bring about
the apocalypse, basically. So the Harvestmen got Johnny Spells, somehow he lost his contract. I don’t know how the hell that happened, because he was careful with that thing. And the Harvestmen are kind of dummies, so I don’t know how they
got their hands on it, but– – Zayn Darkshadow had it. – (gravelly) Zayn was a
stooge for the Harvestmen. Here’s the thing, the Harvestmen are, exactly. The Harvestmen are all around, they’re business leaders, they’re in the community, they’re– – They’re a secret society? – [Brennan] (gravelly) Yeah. – I think we’ve got one at Aguefort. – Oh you guys just need
to know the handshake for the Harvestmen. – (gravelly) You know
the Harvestmen handshake? That’s wild! – Yeah! (laughter) – Will you teach it to all of us? – I’m not supposed to, but I’m also not supposed to
eat this much sugar. (laughs) – You see Gorthalax says, (gravelly) The Harvestmen
are really radical here in Solace especially. Solace used to be a human country. Well actually, originally
it was a halfling country, but then humans came in and conquered it, but then it became Solace and the Charter and the Council of the Chosen, it was human before that. The Harvestmen are
radical human separatist religious fanatics who have a lot of roots in Highcourt and stuff like that. Zayn Darkshadow was an
intermediary for them, because who the hell would trust Zayn, no parents, no family,
hangs out in a graveyard. Completely dismissible
and if it ever came down to someone believing the
community leader or Zayn, who would believe Zayn, you know? He was kind of a patsy for them to do a lot of their work when they couldn’t show their faces. So I don’t know how
they had sway over Zayn. Somebody must have had some
kind of point of access to him to flip him and turn him
into that sort of go-between. But point being, Johnny got
into the Harvestmen big time. Again, something with
that bank, I don’t know. – You guys remember that bank we saw on the way to the– – Just that cool bank? – [Emily] I said we should go into that. – I was trying to check out the bank! – I said we should too. – Well, half the time
you’re asking random people if they’re your dad. – You guys, I’m starting– – You were right one time. – I’m starting to think maybe I thought the Harvestmen were good, but they weren’t. – [Zac] That seems–
(everyone chattering) – Your description of the Harvest Festival sounds like horror. – My parents are kind of into it, I mean, they are really intense, but I just thought it was
good natured, you know? I’m, yeah. – (gravelly) I’m really
sorry that you’re going, this is extremely painful for
me to watch what’s happening. – Yeah, I just was raised
in a pressure cooker for no reason, God just put me in it. – [Lou] What? – (gravelly) We have gotta table that, and I’m so sorry. (laughter) – Maybe God didn’t put you there, maybe it’s just random. – (gravelly) That’s
actually true, it is random. (Ally imitates wretching) (laughter) – Barf chocolate syrup all over– – I didn’t do that, that
was her, I didn’t do that. I didn’t cast a spell, I was just– – I’m sorry, I’m sorry! – (gravelly) In any case,
the main thing was this. – [Ally] Yeah, sorry. – (gravelly) The stuff that
Johnny started coming to me for, because he said, can you
help get me out of it, and I was like, I don’t
know dude, you fucked up and got into the Harvestmen, it’s on you. He started running a
couple things for them, this tea he started running for them. And that was to handle Aguefort, I think. Which I wasn’t going to say no to ’cause, you know, (bleep) that. – So someone else wanted Aguefort dead, it wasn’t even you? – (gravelly) No, I had,
I gave Johnny his powers. The only thing he, and then I know he was doing those palimpsests, but I never knew what those were for. – [Emily] Hmm. – He says, (gravelly)
And the last thing was this one thing he needed
for me which was this page. – [Lou] Hmm? – [Brennan] (gravelly) Did you– – What? – [Brennan] (gravelly) You had a reaction. – You audibly gasped. – A page of what? Sorry. – (gravelly) Look. The Harvestmen want the apocalypse. So what they were trying to
do was to create a hellmouth. Right? Just, you know, start the apocalypse, get things going, I gave him a page that would
be able to do that, right? Now there’s two ways
to create a hellmouth. You can either do it with a portal, right? But then you need to find sort of a portal that has the religious
iconography to get you to hell, and you still need
a portal key to open it, so it’s kind of a hassle. Or you can open a hellmouth
inside of a person. And that’s what Johnny
Spells asked me for. So I gave him a page to create a hellmouth in a person, the odds of that starting
the apocalypse are very low, ’cause you put a hellmouth
in just the average person, yeah, some demonic (bleep) gonna happen. But the person would have to have sort of a direct connection to Sol for that to actually create a hellmouth powerful enough to kind
of trigger Armageddon. – And what happens if you
personally killed that person that had a hellmouth
opened inside of that– – With a ladle. – Shh. Hypothetically. – I mean, you did it, job well done, you shut the hellmouth. Did you kill someone with a ladle? – Yeah, she hit her in the head so hard– – (gravelly) You guys are
hiding so much stuff from me. – Hey, no you just got here. – I’m sorry, you don’t need to come at us about that, all right? We don’t have to tell you anything, sir! – At all. – Hey, everyone needs to stop
speaking to my dad like this! – I really appreciate you, sir. – (gravelly) That’s okay! I appreciate us– – Do you think if you
get a second after this you could give me a book list of things you think I might like? – (gravelly) Sure! The Necronomicon’s a great place to start. – Do not take this man’s recommendations! – This man is my dad. – I know this man is your dad! – (gravelly) The Book of the Fallen, the Gospel of Hate, you can do the Red Book
of Fiends is pretty good. – Do you know, as far as the other way to make a hellmouth, it’s a place that just has
a portal, is what you need? – (gravelly) Yeah, portals are naturally occurring
everywhere, but because they’re only activated by a portal key, most people miss them. Portal to hell would be something that had to do with the
religious iconography or had some kind of connection
to the lower planes. – Can I ask, do you know
if Elmville has a portal? – (gravelly) Well it has a bunch, but I don’t know if they
necessarily head to hell. Portals are naturally occurring all over. – How does one find a portal? – (gravelly) You can use
Detect Magic to find one, you can, there’s a couple
sort of regular spells that are pretty useful that you can use. – Is there one right here? I cast Detect Magic. – You look around. (die rolls) Yes, there is a portal. There is a portal at the base
of Basrar’s little tornado that goes to the elemental plane of ice. – This was here the whole time? This is just a portal, right? Is that where he’s storing the ice cream? That’s cool. (laughter) – (gravelly) He’s a genie! Yeah. The, (natural voice) he says, (gravelly) why, did you guys interact with this page in any way? – It was in the big thing of corn that tried to kill us. – I think it touched my Bible. – I held it, I picked it up and held it and read it. – [Brian] We destroyed it. – We did destroy it, though. – (gravelly) Okay. Well, you’re– – Do I have a hellmouth inside of me? – (gravelly) That’s a good question. (die rolls) (sound of magical blasts) (Brennan growls) (normal voice) You look
deep into the third eye of this devil from hell, and see endless torment awaiting you for all your dark, black magic, you see he goes, (growling) (gravelly) You’re good. I don’t see anything in there that’s, for the most part, you seem good. ‘Cause you got, you know, you’re a, did you, you were touching it, but you know, these things only have a certain amount of power, you understand? If this thing was already possessing a number of beings, what did it end up possessing? – Oh, there was– – [Emily] It was a lunch lady. – It was only a little piece of paper, there might have been more of it. – Then the corn that was– – But this was like a big piece of paper? – (gravelly) One page,
not a huge piece of paper. – We found it then. We found it and we neutralized it. – Wait. This is off topic, but I have an important question– – He’s not your dad. – That’s not what I was gonna ask! That’s not what I was gonna ask. – [Lou] I’ll smack you. (laughter) Now I feel like I have to ask this. No. I just feel like that
you’re the only person I can really ask this but, when I died, I went to
this weird, dark place where a tree had a leaf fall and then it cut my hand. What, is that just hell? – (gravelly) A tree with
a leaf cut your hand? – Yeah, it was a dark forest or something. – (gravelly) Oh! No, that sounds like a forest of blades, those appear all over on Acheron. You went to orc heaven. – That was heaven? – (gravelly) Orcs are (bleep) up! (laughter) – But I thought the guidance
counselor went there, he wasn’t an orc. – He was there. Maybe he was just
switched, tagging me out. – (gravelly) It’s possible
that your guidance counselor worshiped Grimps One Eye. – He became a monster. He started getting mad, becoming demon-like. – Maybe he was entering rage. – (gravelly) You know, a lot of those sort of quiet, nice guys
have a lot of (bleep) they never kind of let out. – Ain’t that the truth. – You were saying about this bank. – [Brennan] (gravelly) Yeah. – I grew up in religion! – What is up with the cool bank? (laughter) That Gorgug really likes. – It’s not the cool
bank, it’s just a bank. – It was kind of a cool bank. – There weren’t any lollipops
or pens that we could take. – It was a sleek kind of cool. – I’m starting to feel guilty, ’cause we’re really,
we’re not trusting him, but we’re grilling him, and
we’re getting a ton of answers. Is there anything that you want? – I think we can pretty much
trust him at this point. – I’m personally pretty offended by how you’re all treating– – I love your dad. – Honestly, that’s fine, your
dad is a giant demon man. I’m sorry. – (gravelly) I want to correct you, Because you’re speaking
from a place of ignorance, I’m a devil. – All right, fantastic,
even worse, all right? I, ugh. – Wait a second, your dad’s a pirate, we’re not rude about that. – Well, he, no. He’s not a pirate, he’s a privateer. Please call him a privateer, thank you. – What’s up with this bank? – (gravelly) It was intense. He went in, they kind
of, they had a policy where they’re like, no pens or anything that they gave away. – So you’re well aware. (laughs) – (gravelly) But he went into rob them, and he went up thinking, you know, they’re gonna press the button, there’s gonna be the
bulletproof kind of glass, he went up, got his spells ready, every single teller took out a crossbow and opened fire on him, and they (bleep) slogged it out. It was the most militarily competent bank sort of ever been, he got– – Self protected? – [Brennan] (gravelly) Shacked up. – Do you know what’s in that bank? – (gravelly) I got nothing, I don’t know. I don’t really deal with money, I kind of, I’ve been in
a gem for a long time. Were you what the page was for? – I mean, that’s– – He seems like it. – Yes, didn’t Zayn push you down that day? – Yeah, someone bumped into me, that other bully guy. Who’s that (bleep)? – He did bump– – Yeah! – Zayn pushed you down. – [Siobhan] He did– – Darkshadow? – And then the other guy
threw your Bible into the… – Yeah, Zayn pushed me down, which might have been
when he added the page into my Bible and then someone else threw my Bible into the corn. I think that’s how this all started. – Why was Zayn working with the, wait, no! Why were the jocks working with Zayn? – Well, I don’t think
that, because it, I mean, if, it seems like, you said
that the page needs to be– – Maybe he was trying
to make me the portal. – Yes. – Oh! – I think Zayn tried
to make you the portal. – That would have been awesome. – (gravelly) That would have been bad. – I know, I’m just trying,
I’m just in a bad mood for God right now. – (gravelly) That, I get it. But that would be what
in the church is called, perditional contradoxy. – Yeah. – Right. – (gravelly) Do you know what that is, or did you just say right? – I just wanted to, no. – [Brian] You don’t have to talk. – Let me try. (die rolls) (laughs) – You might know what that is! – I have 14. – You don’t know what it is. Anyone here can make a, anyone here can make a
history or a religion. – Ooh, I have good history. Ooh, a nat one. (laughter) – I got a 12. – Hmm, a four. – I got the highest, is what I’m hearing? – I’ll do it, try and impress dad. Hoo, I got a 20! – 20, cool. Yeah, you’ve heard the term– – Ah, perditional orthodoxy. – He says, (gravelly)
perditional contradoxy is a religious article of faith that basically says, (soft, dramatic music) someone who’s been promised for heaven, someone who has been chosen for the light, is condemned to hell. When that happens, it proves Sol a liar. And it creates a cataclysm
within the faith. – Totally. – (gravelly) Perditional
contradoxy is a huge deal. That’s an apocalypse creating thing. – [Emily] So that–
– Whoa!- – Page that you made was
supposed to doom someone to hell. – Me! ‘Cause I’m– – Chosen.
– Preordained. We believe in predestination actually. – Why did you create that? – Wait, Lunch Lady Doreen is in hell? (Ally gasps)
– Yeah, you do, do you know, dad, that a
really nice person went to hell because of you? – No, because of me! – No, you just killed her
and put her out of her misery of being in hell on earth and just in hell in hell. – (gravelly) I have a question. Did–
– [Siobhan] That wasn’t hell! – (gravelly) Did the person,
is the page still intact? – [Siobhan] No! – (gravelly) Then I doubt she’s in hell. – Ah, okay. Okay, cool. I hope she’s serving soup in heaven. – Or maybe she’s enjoying
her hobby or something and we should, doesn’t– (everyone chattering) – Is she really cleaning tables in heaven? – [Emily] Yeah! Just wearing that golden
hair net in the sky! – (gravelly) You guys seem like you got a lot going on. And– – I have all the time in the world. – (gravelly) I’m gonna
leave you guys to it. – Breakfast tomorrow? – (gravelly) Yeah! Yeah, you know. Why don’t we get breakfast
tomorrow before school, you know, do me a favor, tell your mom, tell Gil… – Gilear? – [Brennan] (gravelly) Gilear, yeah. – Yeah, yeah. – (gravelly) I am so happy. – Me too. I’m definitely going to invite Gilear because we go to school together. (laughs) He’s the– (laughs) – He’s the Lunch Lad? – [Emily] He’s the Lunch Lad at school. – (gravelly) That’s great! It’s good to be working,
I mean, a job’s a job. There’s nothing, if you’re working, you deserve respect, you deserve dignity. – I know, I got him that job. – Working on something
other than yogurt. (laughs) – It’s true, he’s… – (gravelly) I don’t
catch that reference, but I do want to wish you
guys, have a good night. I’m gonna take off ’cause
I gotta kind of check in, I haven’t checked in in hell
for, you know, years, so. I imagine that my
infernal realm is kind of probably chopped up at this point. – Wait, you’re going to hell? I’ll come! – (gravelly) You know,
why don’t you hang tight and I just want to make sure
that stuff is good down there and then I’ll hop back up, I’ll see you for breakfast tomorrow. – Okay. – [Brennan] (gravelly) All right, sweetie. – Real quick, we’re just gonna go out
of earshot of you guys for one second. It’s just– – Weird. – It’s fine. – Okay. Did you know that I existed? – (gravelly) Yeah. I did. – Then why didn’t you
ever have Johnny Spells come get me or something, you had a person on the outside
that you were controlling. (Brennan sighs) – (gravelly) Before your horns came in, I thought you’d have a better life if you never knew about me. – And then once they came in? Why not then? – (gravelly) Well– – You must have caught with them, my parents got divorced. – (gravelly) Sweetie, let’s
talk about this another time. – Okay. – (gravelly) All right. (Brennan roars)
(sound of whooshing) (normal voice) Fire. – Okay, about this rat. – Yes. – We should have asked him about the rat! – What is the rat doing? Does he hate us? (sound of rat squeaks) – [Siobhan] Rats are pretty smart, right? – Yeah. – Can I use a ritual to
cast Comprehend Languages and try and talk to the rat? – (laughs) I believe Speak With Animals is a separate, different spell. – Which I do not have, I didn’t think that that is a wizard spell. – Do we know anyone– – Can I cast Detect Thoughts on him? – Sure! (ominous music) You’re gonna cast Detect
Thoughts on the rat? – Yeah, we’ll probably go
to bed after this, right? – Just rat sounds. – Yeah, we’ll probably go to bed. (laughs) Yeah, we’ll probably go to bed after this. – And probably do more
stuff with your dad. – You see that the rat is in Riz’s hand, the rat is thinking, (high-pitched) oh boy, I
better find some cheese soon! – What’s the– – I make a minor illusion of cheese and hold it in front of him.
(magical tinkling) – (high-pitched) Wow, look at that, a whole bunch of cheese! (imitates eating) That is cheese, I do good,
it just tastes like nothin’! Also, it doesn’t feel
like it has any weight or substance to it. – [Siobhan] I still– – What’s it saying? – What’s happening? (laughs) – I don’t think anyone’s trapped in there. – [Lou] Okay, great! – Unless it’s a cheesemonger. There could be a cheesemonger
trapped in there. – Can you Detect Magic on the– – Oh yeah, can I cast
Detect Magic on the rat? – Sure. It’s definitely Zayn’s familiar. – But there’s nothing– – That’s why I did Detect Thoughts, ’cause if someone was trapped in there, I’d be able to hear their thoughts. – But there’s nothing else? – Yeah, I mean it feels
like we’ve discovered, I mean, the Harvestmen
generally seem to be– – [Brian] The problem. – Yes. – Something with the bank, too. We’ll go check out that bank. Edgar. (sound of rat squeaks) Can you nod if you saw Zayn get murdered? – You see that you’re still
reading the rat’s thoughts and it says, (high-pitched) oh boy. I sure did. That was the worst time ever! (laughter)
– [Emily] Keep asking. – What if, who killed Zayn? – (high-pitched) It was a tall man and he had a scarecrow mask on his face! – Ohh! – Any more questions? This thing’s talking in– – Was there anyone else there besides the scarecrow mask guy? – Wait, who wants, maybe ask about who wants to get him, who are the, what are the owls? – Yeah, why are owls after you? – Ask if Zayn has ever been to the bank? – (high-pitched) Owls are after me? (sound of squeaking) (normal voice) Takes off into– – No! (bleep) – You get real cheese. – I want to investigate and find him. (die rolls) Come here, you little rat! 19. – I got a 22. – You guys find the rat hiding under a barstool,
you see Basrar comes over, (exotic accent) my friends,
you have let a vermin loose. – Oh no, no, it’s not
a vermin, it’s a pet! – It’s a familiar, Basrar. – (exotic accent) Okay. (normal voice) Edgar
pops up into your hand. – Thank you, Edgar. They’re not after, they’re a magic, they’re not here. We keep them away. We got them to leave last time, so you stick with us and you’ll be safe. Do you know of any magic owls? – You see he says,
(high-pitched) I don’t know. But I do know the last thing Zayn did was he went and got my cage and let me out, so that
I didn’t get chopped up! – Was it out of love for you or was it because you have some value? – (high-pitched) Who can truly know what lives in the heart of another? – [Everyone] Wow. – All right, it seems this
rat is just a rat, so– – Edgar, where was it that
you went to last with Zayn before he died? Did you go somewhere with him? Before he died? – (high-pitched) I was in his pocket, and he went to a loud place where he danced a bunch. And then he turned invisible and we ran out. – Invisible. – [Brennan] (high-pitched) And then– – Invisible. – You think. The time whenever, God, I can’t believe I’m talking to a (bleep) rat. Whenever you and Zayn would meet, it would, did you and Zayn go to a place to meet with these scarecrow men? – (high-pitched) Yeah, the scarecrow men, well, there was somebody we talked to at the big school with all of
the other kids around, and– – Who, was it the coach? – Do you know Horder the Barbarian? – He says, (high-pitched) the coach. Somebody with a hat and he
always had sweat pants on and a whistle. – That would be a coach. – (high-pitched) What? – [Lou] Yes, little rat, man. – [Brennan] (high-pitched) What? – I ask Basrar, Basrar, do
you have any cheese here? Or a cheesecake ice cream, or… – (exotic accent) A
cheesecake ice cream I can do. – [Emily] Okay. – (exotic accent) I can’t
make regular cheese. – And that’s okay. You’re still a really good genie. – [Ally] Yeah, we really appreciate you. – This is the best ice cream
store I’ve ever been to. – We consider you a friend. – (exotic accent) I
need to go in the back. (laughter) – You guys, I have a crazy idea. (Brennan imitates sobbing) – Why is he so sad? – He’s a genie and he’s– (everyone chattering) He can only grant ice cream wishes. – But we love ice cream, you guys! (Brennan imitates sobbing) – I think I might try to join the Harvestmen. – I mean, could you do that much lying? – I could join the Harvestmen. – No, I already have an in. They’ve already seen me,
I’ve been to their festivals and granted, it’s the gateway festivals where they try to recruit
people young, I can tell. – I’m assuming you’re not going to actually join the Harvestmen, right? You’re just going to get
the information we need. – Well, I’ll need to join them. – I think we’re getting ahead
of ourselves a little bit. I think we should just go home, go to sleep, come back to school and maybe check out, you can talk to coach? I don’t know about joining the– – That’s what I’m saying, is I express interest
to join the Harvestmen to Coach Daybreak tomorrow, and see where it goes from there. – Okay. – Your guys crystals all light up. (sound of electronic chirping) With a note from Biz Glitterdew. – Oh damn. – It says, so sorry guys. Don’t think I can be the hacker anymore. (Emily gasps) Then there is a picture of Biz in a hospital bed, completely in traction, covered in bandages and blood. – We gotta get to the hospital. – Oh my God, ask him if he
still has the palimpsest? – No, I think we just,
I’m walking out the door, I’m going to the hospital. – Yeah. – [Siobhan] We should go to the hospital. – Well, we don’t want them to see us at the hospital, visiting him. – We can go stealth around the hospital. – [Brian] We should
sneak into the hospital. – I’m not gonna get a text like that– – You can cast disguise.
– Yeah. I’ll disguise myself as a
pre-med student. (laughs) – Great, so you guys will go?
– What? (laughs) – Why do you guys go and
then I don’t have to go to– – [Lou] What do you think a
pre-med student looks like. – See Biz at the hospital. (laughter) – Do you guys, does anybody, should some of us go to the hospital and see what’s up? – Yeah, I mean, it shouldn’t be all of us. – Why don’t we all go so that we have everybody within– – Know what, not everybody
has to go inside. – Right, let’s go to the hospital, I can sneak with you, and you can be dressed as
a med student or something. – Yeah. I’ll just do like regular, I’ll use my regular disguise kit and just put on some doctors’ scrubs. – There are always religious books in the hospital bookstore,
’cause that’s where everyone decides to come to God, so I’m gonna see if
there’s a Harvestmen book and just start reading so I can sound really… In the know. – Cool. You guys head to the hospital, go ahead and give me your disguise check. – Okay. Would it be deception? – Actually, I would say performance. (die rolls) – 16. – Cool. You throw on a disguise as
what, a pre-med student? – I think I want to be a resident, I’m doing the rounds. So I look really tired because
I’ve been working too long. – Rad. You do have this whole full disguise kit. – Boy, I’ve been up too long. It’s medically dangerous. – I believe also with the actor thing you get advantage on those checks? – Yeah. Oh yeah, that’s true, let’s see. Maybe it’s even better. Nope. (laughter) – You’re just making the rounds, you’re in the bookshop of the hospital. You see there’s a clerk there. Hi, can I help you find something? – Hi, yeah. You know what? I am looking for something about God. What do you got? – We have a lot of sort of narcotics and alcohol pamphlets. – No, you know what? I’m thinking more like, you know, the Harvestmen, have you heard of that sect? – [Brian] (whispering) Jesus. – Yeah, in the news,
that’s a radical cult, we don’t really carry a
ton of their literature here in the hospital. – Oh, that’s so interesting. That’s so interesting, ’cause I grew up with
those books in my house. (laughter) Okay, then I’ll just take– – She’s gonna call a security
guard on you. (laughs) – What does this book cost? – That’s my phone
directory for the hospital, so I’m just gonna hang on to that. Do you want to get some water and just sit down? – Yes. (laughter) – [Brennan] Okay, I’m gonna
go get you some water. – Thank you, I’m going through a lot. My mom is dead. – Okay, I’m so sorry, do you need me to call someone? – (quietly) No, ’cause it would be her. (laughter) – We’ll get you some water. (laughter) – You guys are blowing it, is there anyone who can help me? I froze! I was raised in a radical world that I thought was normal! – Hey, I think that that is true of every single one of us. – Okay, all right, yeah, fair. – You make the residency, let’s see, I’m gonna
roll to see if something good or bad happens. – Can I sneak, or can you– – The face, the face happened. – [Brennan] Sure, what’s up? – I want to sneak around by her so if anything goes wrong, I can be– – How about I put you in, can I put him in a wheelchair? And be like, oop, coming
through, coming through. – I think my deception would be worse than just hiding. – [Brennan] Cool, go ahead and
give me that stealth check? (die rolls) – 23. – You are invisible in the
shadows of this hospital. You’re walking around,
doing this resident thing, you get really into it. – I’ve even got some coffee, I am tired. – I’m just like…. – Also being tired, no
doctor specific stuff. – You see that an older– – I need three CCs of coffee! (laughs) – You see that an older half-orc woman rushes up to you in a lab coat, grabs your arm and says, Dr. Keller, we have an emergency! We need to go to the
operating room right now! – Cool, I’m warning you, I’m really tired, I’m a resident, overworked. – A man is gonna die! He has mummy rot! It’s critical, right now! – Okay, I’m in! – You are rushed in to a room.
(sound of door closing) You see that there is a
man strapped to a table, just completely racked open,
(suspenseful music) going, aah! And his stomach is a roiling mass of sand that’s just pulsing blood
up out of his torso. And the sand seems to be saying, (growling) awakened from ancient slumber! I rise to consume the world of the living! (normal voice) Dr. Keller,
thank God you’re here! Please! You see that a scalpel
goes into your hand. – My hands aren’t even clean yet! And I go over and I wash my hands and while I’m there, I look at my (bleep). – Doctor, we don’t have the time! – Okay! I cast… I cast sleep on the demon (laughs) that’s coming out of his stomach. – Okay. (die rolls) (sound of magical humming) You cast sleep. (growls) You see that the sand face swallows the spell energy up going, (growling) Yes! The energy of the ancient pyramids! I rise once more! (normal voice) Whoom! And a sand arm shoots out of the stomach. You see the guy says, aah! I’m telling you, I don’t have insurance! You see that the doctor says, (shouting) Dr. Keller,
we need to operate now or we’re gonna lose him! – Okay, I’ll operate! – I need you to make a
medicine check for me. – [Brian] Oh no!
– [Lou] Oh God. – 12! – You see that you jab
your scalpel into the sand, I’m gonna need you to make
an opposed athletics check. – Oh my God, these are all my worst! Oh, 13! – You see that the sand
mouth closes on your arm and begins to swallow you into
the abdomen of this person. – I want to shoot the sand monster. (laughter) – Go for it. – Stay stealthy so it looks like I did it! – [Brian] All right, so I’m gonna– – So I can maybe become a doctor. (die rolls) (Ally laughs)
– 23 to hit. – That’s a hit, roll damage. (Emily laughs) – Whoa! (dice rolls) – [Brian] 20. – 20 points of damage. Go ahead and make a medicine check for me, if you’d be so kind. – Remember, stay stealthy. – This is so not– (die rolls) – Nat 20! (laughter) – What is happening? – Riz reaches in and
pulls out his Arquebus, and lowers it, boom!
(sound of gunshot) A perfect jeweled scarab
flies from the sand, scatters across, ping, ping, ping, ping! Ricochets, hits a room bedpan,
(sound of metal clanging) glows with bright yellow light, and pshew, turns into
a smoking lump of coal. The sand turns back into flesh, as you rip your arm out
of the person’s stomach. All the doctors are there. (heavy breathing) – I hide. (die rolls) – Hell yeah. – So much, 28. – My God. Dr. Keller, you’ve done it again. (laughter) Maybe you guys should go back to school. – All of them look so ashamed. – Where’s the secret liquor stash? – Ask where Biz is! – Dr. Keller, you saved my life! I’m so sorry I opened up that mummy tomb! – Yeah. Don’t do it again! – Ah, my Frisbee got in there. – I know, but I can’t
keep seeing you in here ’cause your Frisbee got somewhere. – Ah kid, you’re not
lying, I love Frisbee. – I know. – You see that the doctors
all look around and say, (sighs) we’ll bring you
to the liquor cabinet. – Well, actually first.
(laughter) On our way– – (whispering) Stay up with it! – No, actually, I’d like to
stop on the liquor cabinet. On our way, I heard a young
kid got brought in here and well, I know I’m on my 36th hour, but I’d like to take a look at him. – (bleep) Doctor, you do too much! You’re gonna kill yourself!
(tender piano music) – I love this job! – You see someone wipes a
tear and rushes dramatically. Another, you see a dwarven doctor goes, (shouting) You’re tearing
this hospital apart! – Well, you know what? Maybe it needs to be torn apart so we can build it back up right! – I never should have kissed you. – I kissed– (laughter) – He goes in, this dwarf gives you the most intense,
beautiful, passionate kiss. In response. (gasps) (deep voice) You’re a maniac. And this hospital would
be nothing without you. – Well, was that the most sane
thing I’ve done all night? – (deep voice) You know,
I spent all this time saving other people’s lives, seems like we can never
really save our own. – Oh, I know. – [Brennan] (deep voice) Yeah. – Riz is just watching this scene. (laughter) – Anyway, the kid’s in 113. – Okay. Thanks. Also, where’s the liquor cabinet? (laughter) – It’s under the back bunk
in the overnight lounge. – Okay. Bye. I slap him on the ass. (laughter) – Doctor walks out. – Good job? (laughter) – I think I have a new job. – Riz, do you have a boner? – Sort of a Ratatouille situation. (laughter) – You get the hell out of there. And you go over to room
113, you see that Biz is there in traction. (sound of beeping medical equipment) His mom, Bubble, is fully passed out, just (imitates snoring). Asleep in a chair next to Biz. – Do we see, can we kind of case the room and see if anybody else is in there? – [Emily] Yeah. – Give me an investigation
or a perception, whichever you want to roll. (die rolls) – Nat one! – Okay, let me see, much better. They’re both bad. I got a two! Which actually becomes a four. – You guys have no idea
what’s in this room. – [Brian] Just, ahh. – Fully, you’re, the two
pixies that are in here kind of covered it with pixie memorabilia and get well balloons and cards and stuff, so it’s just sort of a
phantasmagoria of colors and lights and things like that. – Are there, is there a little clipboard describing what’s going on, a
medical clipboard or anything? – Yes, there is. – [Emily] Could I look at that? – The medical clipboard,
you see that as you look, Biz looks up and says, (sighs) (weakly) hey. How’s it going, doc? – Oh, hey Biz. It’s actually me, Fig! – Fig? – [Emily] Yeah. – Oh my God!
– [Emily] Who’s that– – That disguise is wild!- – I know, I know! Who’s the really hot dwarf doctor here? – (whispers) What are you doing? – [Emily] Sorry, sorry. – (quietly) Who attacked you? – (sighs) (nasally) I don’t
know, I was in the basement, it was the, it was before school today. And I was getting ready to go to school, and this guy with sweatpants
and a scarecrow mask over his head jumped in and just almost (bleep) killed me with a (bleep), it was like a naginata or a halberd, some kind of big, slashing weapon. – Did he take the, what do we call it, the palimpsest? – (nasally) Yeah, he got the palimpsest. (Emily sighs) – Did he, I don’t know, I don’t even know. Well, first off, I’m really sorry, I feel really bad that
we got you wrapped in– – (nasally) I fuckin’ blew it. – No, thanks for helping us. We appreciate it, we’re
sorry you got hurt. You’re still the hacker. Even if you can’t hack right now. – If you want to be. (Brennan imitates sobbing) – You know why you’re the hacker, man? ‘Cause you can hack it. – Whoa. – (nasally) You’re my,
honestly, my best friend. – You’re definitely
one of my friends, man. (laughter) – You see he looks up and says, (nasally) I was making great progress too. I feel like I can
actually probably shorten the amount of time if I
had a bigger power system or a bigger rig set up, I mean, I can’t do it in my
house anymore, obviously, because it’s compromised, but, I was doing good work. – Did you ever get to talk to Sam or– – (nasally) I never got,
it was never safe enough. It was always a risk
of either injuring Sam or further complicating the device. – If we were able to retrieve it, and we set up a, and we set up some place
that you could go work on it that wasn’t your home, would you continue to work on it? – (nasally) Yeah, if
there was a safe location for me to work on it, of course I would. – All right, we’ll look for that. Do you, did you talk to
anybody else about this? – (nasally) This project? – Yeah. Did anybody else come by
from the school or anything, or did this scarecrow
guy just show up one day? – (nasally) No, I mean, there’s– – You didn’t brag about it
to any of the AV Club kids? – Did you say anything to the coach or the barbarian teacher, Porter? – (nasally) No, I didn’t say any, I mean, I mentioned a couple hint, well, it’s just like,
Shellford’s always like, oh, I’m working on this project
that’s so, and I’m like– – You told Shellford? – (nasally) No, I just was like, dude, you don’t know anything
about palimpsests, okay? Trust me, as a guy who’s
working on cracking one, you don’t know (bleep). That could be any palimpsest. – Right. – I’m sorry, Riz. I cannot believe that we
have a mole in the AV Club. – (nasally) Shellford honestly
wouldn’t tell (bleep) anyone. Shellford is, look. He’s a dick, but that dude
is not (bleep) a narc, okay? – Did you only tell people in the AV Club, or did you tell a lot of– – (nasally) Only to people in the AV Club. – Okay, what about the bird kid? – [Brennan] (nasally) Skrank? – Skrank. – (nasally) Dude, nobody would
(bleep) listen to Skrank. – That’s true. (laughs) You’re absolutely right. Shellford’s the one I’m worried about. – [Brennan] (nasally) Dude– – Let’s go outside the room,
where are we right now? – [Brian] Let’s go outside. – I’d like to believe I’m
down by my motorcycle. (Brian laughs) With Gorgug, just flipping
a coin being like, all right, that’s heads for the 64th time. Heads or tails? – Heads. – [Brennan] You guys– – [Emily] On the way out, I’d like to hit up the liquor cabinet. – [Brennan] You find a
bunch of liquor back there. – What do I get? – You get, there’s a
flask of dwarven vodka. There’s– – It smells like his breath. – There’s a sort of gnomish whiskey. There’s a fine elven wine. (bleep) You also see that there’s a
bunch of lube and condoms. – Take that too. (laughter) – Are you taking everything? – By the way, the doctors’
sleeping area in this hospital just smells raw, just (bleep). The doctors are doing one thing here. You don’t have any context
for what the smell is, but oh man. (laughter) – Cool, let’s go find our friends. – (laughs) You guys get
out to the parking lot– – On my way out I also want
to ask, what was the name of that dwarven doctor? – Who are you asking? – I’m asking the receptionist. You know, the hot one? – Oh. You’re talking about Dr. Asha? – [Emily] Yeah. – I know. You’re not wrong. – Oh, cool. Thanks! – [Brennan] Later. – Bye! – Bye. – I just had my first kiss. – Heads or tails? – Tails. – Heads. It keeps being heads! (laughter) 65 times! – 65 times in a row it’s been heads, what have you guys been doing? – I’m just doing my enchant on the coin every single time it goes. (Emily laughs) – Yeah, you guys go
down to the parking lot, what do you guys want to do? – Okay, so Biz was attacked
by one of the Harvestmen. – [Lou] Oh (bleep). – Sweatpants, we think it’s– – I don’t know, maybe
it was just an accident. – Quite possibly Coach Daybreak. He was bragging to the AV Club about– – We think there’s a mole
(bleep) in the AV Club, so tomorrow, whoever wants to go with me, I’m gonna rough up those AV Club geeks. – (laughs) We can’t just– – We can’t be beating up AV, you don’t beat up those children! – We can use magic. – No, I’m gonna rough ’em up. – You’re right, let’s rough ’em up. I would like to rough ’em up. – It just feels like
sometimes secrets get out ’cause people are just kind
of casually talking about– – I’ll try to talk to
Shellford, maybe someone could– They could have had
some kind of a tracking on the palimpsest too. – But that’s all they
knew, all right, we know who we need to deal with, all right? And it’s the coach. – I think we gotta go home. I’m tired. – Yeah, I need, I do
also want to go to bed. – Yeah, let’s go to bed. – Let’s meet up before school tomorrow. – Fantastic. – Maybe we’ll decide to either go after Shellford or Daybreak. – Great. – Do you guys ever feel like
you get exactly what you wanted but then it didn’t end
up being the answer? – No, I never get what I want. – I mean, I often get what I want and I’m often very satisfied,
if I’m not more like my expectations are surpassed
time and time again. – Did you guys, I was looking
for books in that bookstore and they didn’t have any of
the titles that I grew up with. Did you guys grow up with My
Forsaken Classmates Are Scum, you know, that animated book? – Kristen, I think your
parents are in the cult, and are maybe directly involved in everything that’s happening. – I don’t think so. – I don’t want to, yeah. – Maybe. – You know. Be careful, maybe? – What about The Seven Eyes of My Lord and How I’ve Wronged Them? – You know what? I’m just going to ride away.
(Brian laughs) Everyone have a good night. If you guys want to stay– – You guys all go home that night. – I’ve gotten so good at
taking the bus at this point. I’m very proud of myself. (Emily laughs) – Cool. You guys arrive at school the next day. – I have breakfast with Gilear
and I arrive with Gilear. Did Gilear meet my dad? Did we have breakfast with my dad? – Oh, that’s right, breakfast. – We don’t have go through
it, but I just want to know. – Yeah, the next morning, the little sort of cafe downtown, very small little tables, and
kind of like outdoor chairs. (sound of cafe patrons chattering) Gorthalax is sort of perched
uncomfortably on one, Gilear is there as well. You see that, you sort of have some eggs, short conversation, you
know, Gorthalax sort of goes, (gravelly) so I hear you’re
working at Aguefort now, that’s wild. That’s great. (soft, accented voice)
Yes, I’m the Lunch Lad (laughter) of the Aguefort Adventuring Academy. I went to apply to the
guidance counselor position but I was usurped by a drug-dealing
werewolf named Jawbone. – Jawbone’s great. – (soft, accented voice)
My understanding is he actually has gotten a bunch of kids recommendations for college and some kids are now talking about trying sort of therapy and
meds for the first time, and bunch of really positively, I mean, he’s incredible,
what do you want me to say? Jawbone’s incredible.
(laughter) – He’s doing a really good job. Everyone’s really impressed. It’s weird because the staff likes him, but also the students like him. – (soft, accented voice)
Anyway, I have to go get the tater tots warmed up for later. Gorthalax, it was very nice to meet you, you made a cuckold of me. (laughter) – That’s why I thought you
guys might want to meet. – Gorthalax says, (gravelly)
I just want to be clear, first of all, I don’t think this is appropriate to
talk about with Fig. Who cuckolded who, and how,
and how many times, and why, doesn’t really enter into it. The number one thing that every fella at
this table has in common is we love Fig, right? That’s the main thing. – I mean, this really is a dream. I have two dads now. – (gravelly) Yeah, that’s right. You do have two dads. (soft, accented voice) It’s
not that I want to leave, it’s that my car broke down and I need to use public
transportation, so forgive me but I must
fade into the bus stop. (normal voice) And you see he gets up, he’s kind of lightly sort
of strolls down the street, Gorthalax is– – I go join him. – He says, (gravelly) All right kiddo. You have a great day at school, knock ’em dead, huh? – I will! – [Brennan] (gravelly) All right. – I’m gonna beat up some AV Club geeks! – (gravelly) Nice, well go (bleep), give those nerds a (bleep), what is the word, swirlie? – Yeah! – (gravelly) Yeah, fuckin’– – But in flames instead of water. – (gravelly) That’s m’girl! (normal voice) You guys go to school, in your lockers, or waiting in your lockers at school the next day, you guys each find a little item. There is a… I’ll just go around. You find a ruby guitar pick in your locker that says “Gorthalax’s Girl.” And it’s a bright red
little ruby guitar pick. You find a leather ax holster. – Ooh. – With an emblem of a tin flower on it. A little tin flower on the holster. – Oh! – Adaine, you find a very expensive 45 gold piece gift card to a
high-end clothier boutique. A clothing boutique. – I do an arcana check on it. 23. – This doesn’t appear to be magical. It appears to just be a gift card to a high-end clothing store for fashionable young women. Fabian, you find a little tin of car wax for The Hangman. Kristen, you find a thick tome, it’s called On the Subject
of World Religions. A giant, massive tome, an encyclopedic tome
on different religions. Riz, you find a beautiful
leatherbound briefcase with the initials T.B. on the front. And inside are a bunch of
beautiful gilded business cards that say “Riz The Ball Gukgak,” very, very small “un,” and
then “Licensed Investigator.” And your information on them. With beautiful hand-done calligraphy. – Riz excitedly vomits a little bit. (laughter) – You guys find all this cool (bleep). – I think my dad gave me
a present in my locker. – I’m wary– – I think your dad gave me this too. – Why is your dad giving me clothes money? – You asked for clothes the other day! – Did you give me this? – These are all of our deepest desires. These tap into what we’re all after. – I’ve always felt like my ax kind of cuts my butt sometimes. (laughter) So to just have a– – But now it’ll look really
good while cutting your butt. – Yeah. – This feels weird, right? Just to be given your heart’s desire? – Yeah, I’m wary. – Or it’s fine. And we just got stuff. – Gorthalax has so far done nothing wrong. – Yeah, but he is a demon, I’m sorry. – [Ally] Yeah, it’s too many– – I’m a demon too. – No, you’re a tiefling. – I’m a demon. What makes me a tiefling is that, it’s not that I’m an elf,
it’s that I’m part demon. I’ve got demon in my veins. – He makes people sell
their souls to him and– – No, he seduces people
to show their true colors. – Do we want to go to the AV Club, maybe we can’t figure it out right now. – Yeah. – Let’s go to the AV Club. – Okay. – I’ll definitely just
start using it willy nilly. – Who do you think he got into my locker, is what I’m saying. – [Ally] Yeah– – This is locked and warded. – I’m really suspicious of it. I’m probably gonna skip the AV Club and just go read in the library, this new tome. And I’m gonna see if they
have any of the books that I recognize as a kid. I’m just really looking for
one other place to have that. – You should be very careful, Kristen, because you keep walking into places and asking for cult literature. And the cult seems to be
targeting people and– – Yes. – Beating the (bleep) out of them and putting them in traction. So maybe just don’t talk to people about– – Do you think these
presents are from the cult? Do you think that we’ve
alerted them to our presence and these presents are from the cult? – Definitely not. – Wait, they could have
been watching these cameras ’cause we’ve talked about all
of this stuff while at school. – Oh, there’s no way the cult
got us these gifts, all right? There’s just no way. – Let’s go to the AV Club. – Let’s go to the AV Club, yes. – You guys go over to the AV Club and you see that Skrank
and Shellford are there. – ‘Sup, dudes? – Hey guys. – (deep voice) Uh, yeah. – Skrank, there was some girl that was asking for you
out in the parking lot. – (high-pitched) Huh? What? – [Brian] Some girl said– – (high-pitched) What was her name? – [Emily] I don’t know, she was– – I don’t know who she was, but she wanted to talk– – She was super hot and she was on a bike
in a bikini. (laughs) – And she was also part bird. (laughter) – With huge bird tits. – You see that Skrank
takes out his crystal and starts thumbing through his texts, looking for something. Anyone who wants to
make a perception check. (dice rolls) – Not good. – 10. – [Ally] 11. – I got 16. – Seven. – Cool. He scrolls through his texts and goes, (squawks) (high-pitched) Weird, okay. I’ll go check it out. On a bicycle or a motorcycle? (laughter) – A bicycle. For sure a bicycle. – (high-pitched) A bikini on a bicycle, that seems like a recipe for a disaster! – I think she was going
to the beach, maybe? – Yeah. – (high-pitched) On a school day? What’s going on? – I think you– – I think there was a photographer. – Yeah, she’s a model! She’s a model. – Yes, that’s why she needs the AV Club, she wants to get into videos. – Yeah, and she said you’re hot. – She’s saying, it was two things. She was first, taking her pictures. Second, thinking, hey,
I wish I had my friend from the AV Club here. So it was those two. – I cast friends on him. (laughter) – Cool! – Go with it, oh no! – [Brennan] Go ahead and make– – So we have a minute! – Go ahead and make a
persuasion check with advantage. (dice rolls)
(Emily laughs) – Gorgug was almost there. – 16. – 16?
– [Siobhan] Yes. – Rad, you see he goes, (high-pitched) all right, I’ll
go check it out. (squawks) As he springs into the
hall and flaps away. Shellford’s kind of, you see
he’s looking at something on one of the little
sort of security cams. – Can I see what he’s, can I try to sneak around
and see what he’s looking at? Can I do investigate or perception? – Do a perception? – Okay. 16. – He is looking at a elemental vehicle, he’s looking at a van in
the teachers’ parking lot that you see that it looks like there’s no license plates on it, and he’s writing a little report or a ticket for that, basically. – Can I cast Detect Thoughts on him? Just to listen to his surface thoughts while we ask him questions? – Yeah. (ethereal humming) (dice rolls) You begin to hear his surface thoughts. – Shellford. Hey. I stand really intimidatingly
against a wall. – I lock the door. – Yeah.
(die rolls) Lock that door. I get a intimidation, I get a 25. – Jesus Christ. – [Siobhan] Oh my God. Mean girl. – Does anyone else look at
this footage other than you? – (deep voice) Yeah. – Who? – You hear in his mind, the
teachers that look at it. There’s a couple. Porter looks at it. Jace looks at it. Coach Daybreak looks at it. Vice Principal Goldenhoard looks at it. And then he and the AV guys look at it. You see that he looks and says, (deep voice) Yeah, a lot
of people look at it. – Cool. Oh, I meant to ask you. Where is… That other guy that you hang out with, where is that guy today? – Riz? Oh no, Biz. – Biz, yeah, where’s Biz. – (deep voice) Biz got
his (bleep) demolished, he’s in the hospital. – Why? What happened? – (deep voice) I don’t
know, we’re not super close. – Who are you close with? – You see the thought goes into his head, no one, I’m close to no one. I just wish more than anything that I could let someone in. You see he says, (deep voice) I’m not a (bleep) loser, so I (bleep) keep to myself, ’cause no one at this
school is (bleep) cool. (Ally laughs) (Emily laughs) – All right. – (laughs) We don’t have
this information so– (laughter) – I’m just assuming that you’re
getting great information. – Yeah. – So why did you do it, huh? Why did you beat up Biz? – (deep voice) Listen. Nothing in the world would be easier than for me to take my (bleep) nunchucks, (normal voice) and he takes
a pair of nunchucks out and says, (deep voice) and
(bleep) take Biz apart. (normal voice) In his head, he’s going, I’m so scared, I don’t know why these kids are yelling at me. I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong, but then again, I always do. – I look over to Adaine for validation that I’m getting somewhere with him. All right, I grab the nunchucks. – (yelling) (deep-voice)
Whoa, those are vintage! Those are real nunchucks! – Yeah, then maybe– – Hey, hey, hey. Give him his nunchucks back. – Okay. – (deep voice) The reason
I let you disarm me was because I think it would be unfair if you were unarmed. (Lou laughs) (laughter) – Idiot! (laughter) – We don’t want to fight you. We are just worried about some stuff that’s going on in this school, do you know what Biz was working on? ‘Cause we heard a rumor that it was something
to do with a palimpsest. – (deep voice) Palimpsest? He mentioned some (bleep) about that. But I honestly was super (bleep) bored. (normal voice) In his head, he’s going, I tuned out of what he was saying because it represented
a threat to my identity, and that was too terrifying
for me to notice, so I didn’t listen to
fully what he was saying and instead used that
time to craft a response that would make me seem bigger because if I’m small,
everyone’s going to hurt me. (Siobhan sighs) – You know… I don’t want to seem rude, but– – (deep voice) Too late. – What happened with that, what were you just looking at with the, was there a van or something? – (deep voice) Yeah, I’m writing a ticket, there’s a van in the teacher parking lot. – Oh, we could take that down for you. Yeah, we could take the ticket down. – Yeah, we’ll put the ticket on the– – (deep voice) Okay, sure. – [Emily] We love enforcing the law. – He gives you guys the little ticket. In his head, he’s just going like, she was reaching out to you, Shellford. She was reaching out to you. Why did you bat her hand away? You always do this. (deep voice) Can I get back to work now? Or do you guys have more
(bleep) you want to talk about? – Does Daybreak hang out here? – (deep voice) No. He’s around sometimes
’cause he’s a teacher and he has the authority
to watch the footage. – Does he watch it more than the other– – In his head, he says yes. – What kind of footage is he looking at. He just seems like a creep, you know? – (laughs) (deep voice) As
creepy as six (bleep) losers who (bleep) lock the
door to talk to somebody? – I mean, as creepy as
somebody who volunteers to watch all of the video in the school? – In his head he’s like, that hurts me so deeply. And I can’t get away from the pain. How do I get away? Everything I do just makes it worse. (scoffs) (deep voice) Okay, loser! (laughter) So pretty much, I guess I’ll catch you guys later unless you have anything else
you want to bother me about? – You know, kindness
begets kindness, Shellford. I walk out of the AV room. – The last thought that
he thinks to himself is, how could I ever be kind to somebody when I’ve never been kind to myself. (deep voice) All right, (bleep) doinks! I’m happy. – That is the saddest
person I have ever met. But he is not involved with– – I’m happy caught. (laughter) – Okay well, so they have footage of us, we can’t talk here. – No, let’s keep, yeah. – Should we go to the, do you guys want to just check out the… – [Lou] Van? – Yeah. – The van. – Let’s go to the van. – We said we’d put the ticket on it, so. – What does the ticket say? – Can I find them in the hallway and join ’em? – Sure. You go to, you find them in the hallway. Oh yeah, give me a religion check ’cause you’re reading the book. – Oh yeah, I was trying
to look for another book. Can I see if I found it? – Oh sure, yeah. (die rolls) – Ooh, religion, no. Eight. – You see that the librarian
comes over and says, (elderly, high-pitched
voice) Dearie, have you, you and your friend have some
overdue books, I believe. Have you returned The
People’s History of Fallonel, the Aeons of– – Oh yeah, sorry, I have that right here. I give you– – Takes The People’s History,
puts it away, she says, (elderly, high-pitched voice)
What are you looking for? – Just a light-hearted YA
book that I grew up with, it’s called Blood-Soaked Nails? – (elderly, high-pitched
voice) Blood-Soaked Nails, that’s a piece of religious propaganda. – Oh. Do we have it for historical reasons or– – (elderly, high-pitched
voice) Not here in the library. – Hmm, cool. Huh, that’s great. I was doing a report on… You know, hurtful, misguiding– – (elderly, high-pitched voice) You okay, do you need some water? – No, I don’t need water, thank you. Do you have anything like that, like misguiding religious literature? I need to find anything I can. – She looks around and pulls a book called A Theory of the Divine,
and hands it to you. – Singular, great. Cool, thank you. Yeah, I’ll check this out. I bet I can use this as a resource, so thanks a lot. – (elderly, high-pitched voice) Wonderful! Very good. (normal voice) You meet
these guys in the hall, as you are walking to them, you get a little text from
your parents on your crystal that says, EMERGENCY, all caps. – Jesus (bleep) Christ. Okay. – And you guys are, you arrive here. – I should go home. – You didn’t ask anybody about
cult literature, did you? – I did. But don’t worry, I was
really smooth about it. They just think I’m writing a paper, and Blood-Soaked Nails, it
was already checked out. – Yeah, of course. – I have to call my parents, I guess. – You do it. – Okay. – We’re going to ticket a van. – What happened? – Check out a van, but say
that we’re ticketing it. – I just got a text that said
EMERGENCY from my parents. – Should we go to Kristen’s house? – Yes! – Yeah, we’ll go with you. – Call them first. – Yes, but let’s check on
this van really quickly. Yeah, call your parents on the way down. – Okay, cool. – You call your parents. Your mom picks up the phone. Kristen, there’s been an awful emergency, you gotta come home right now. – [Ally] Okay– – Come home right now. – What happened? – Come home right now. I gotta go, all right? – [Ally] Can I bring my friends, we’re– – Bring ’em, bring everybody, bring ’em. And she hangs up. – What the (bleep), okay. Can you check on the van
and then speed on your bike? Or a couple people? – Yeah, that’s fine. – Do you guys mind splitting up? – Yeah, why don’t we just go, should we just go straight to her place? – Let’s just go to your place. – Let’s just drop the ticket off and then we’ll go to your place. – Yeah, it’s on the way. Let’s just go– – Let’s go to the van,
let’s go to the van. – You guys go, you drop a little ticket on the van. – Shake it. – Is there anything weird about this van? – Can we make a– – Can I cast Detect Good
and Evil on the van? – [Brennan] Mm-hmm. – Cool. Do I roll for anything? – I got an 18 investigate check. – You take an investigate check. – I got a… – I got also an 18 investigate check. – Seven perception. – I got a 19 investigation. – Cool, nobody beat a 20, though. – [Siobhan] No. – What’s a, what’s… – [Brennan] Oh, investigate
is intelligence. – What’s Good and Evil? – Oh, Good and Evil. You Detect Good and Evil. The van doesn’t come up as either. But you see it’s like a
sealed cargo van basically. – [Ally] Oh, Okay. – You guys leave the ticket on it. You rush over to the Applebees home, you see that the, your
family’s out in the front and there’s a bunch of
humans that you all recognize from church, Pastor
Amelia is here as well. You rush up, your mom says, by the way, it’s about
sort of afternoon now, probably, you know, school’s letting out as you guys rush over to
this other neighborhood. You see that your mom says, oh God, thank God you’re here, Kristen. Somebody attacked the church! – What? – [Brennan] Somebody
attacked the Church of Sol, this neighborhood is not safe, there’s a bunch of people here, don’t, they’re nonbelievers and– – What do we, what do
you mean, what happened? Who, what do they look like? – Pastor Amelia comes
over to you and says, (sighs) Kristen, it’s okay,
your mom’s a little upset. Somebody vandalized the church. – Did they hurt anyone? – They didn’t hurt anybody, but somebody destroyed
a section of the church, the door to the rectory is missing. – Kind of weird to call
your daughter out of school for vandalizing– – You guys don’t understand
how important the church is. – Somebody fully removed
the entire doorway from the church, it looks like. So that wall collapsed, we can’t find the door
or any of the archway or the keystone or anything like that. – The keystone? – Above the arch, yeah. – So you mean just the
whole door to the church was blown in? – It was the door in
the back to the rectory. – Can we talk over here for a second? – Wow, that’s horrible. We’re gonna go– – We’re getting a group together, we’re gonna do a vigil and we’re gonna do a little fundraiser and your mom thought you should be here because you’re a chosen. – Can I do an insight
check on Kristen’s mom? – [Brennan] Sure. – And the priest? – [Brennan] Go for it. (die rolls) – 18. – The mom seems frantic
and you get, with an 18, you get a vibe on the whole crowd. These humans seem riled up. They seem like they have
a weird victim complex about their religion, and that someone’s vandalized their church and bad (bleep) is afoot. The pastor seems to be
mostly calming people down, but it looks like there’s
a big just gathering here, basically, and they’re going
to do some kind of vigil or whatever. – The rectory, what is that again? – A rectory is a place
where the clergy lives in a church, basically. – Oh, was that door a part
of the church originally? Or was that from somewhere else? – You see the pastor kind of
looks at you for a second. Regards you. Well, kiddo, the (laughs), actually it was one of
the highest of the church, it was a recovered piece
of an older monastery, we actually, that doorway’s centuries old. It was part of a, kind of big, important
highlight of the church. – Are we there right now? – Do you know where the door, where that church originally was? – From Highcourt. – Hmm. – Cool, well, we’re gonna go over there and just pray about it. – That’s great. That’d be great. Tell your friends we’re
gonna do a little fundraiser, do a little vigil. – Cool, we’ll bake some cookies. – [Brennan] Mm-hmm, that’s great. – Great, all right, guys. Hey, we can talk, but we
just all have to hold hands, ’cause then that looks like we’re praying. – Yeah, that’s cool, we can hold hands. – [Lou] That’s fine. – I might have to let go to cast a spell, but I’ll make it look like I’m scratching my nose or something. – Great, okay. Just bow your heads and
say whatever you want. – Yeah guys, so I think
that doorway might be the thing that somebody
would need to go through. – It’s a portal. – You think with a portal– – [Brian] To make the apocalypse happen. – Right, can we go over there and I can do an identify type situation? – I think we should definitely do that. – The door’s not at the church anymore. – Oh, the area around it? – Yeah. – But doesn’t anyone else feel like perhaps it could have
something to do with the bank? – I mean, maybe, but I think it’s like– – If there’s something that
they’re protecting there? – If something has been
magically disappeared, they said it was disappeared, they didn’t say it was taken. – I thought they said it was grabbed. Did they mean the wall? – They said something pulled it out. – Yeah, you can’t take an entire doorway, that’s a magical thing. – Well, let’s go and look for clues, that’s the closest thing we can, can I tell her that we’re
just gonna head over there and pray closer to it? – You are ordained, Kristen. And we’re happy to have you, we know that your faith is as rock solid and unshakeable as Sol’s power. And if anything ever
happened to your faith, this community would collapse. – Yeah. – It would be chaos. – Praise Helio, we’ve gotta go. – Yeah! (laughter) – [Brennan] You guys take off– – Thank you so much, I thank you so much. – I create a minor illusion to hide her world religions book. (laughter) – You guys see that the church is locked, but doesn’t appear to be
an active crime scene. Seems like the religious community’s kind of handling it itself. – I accuse the church. – [Brennan] Hell yeah. – Just kidding. – You, no that’s great,
you can accuse the church. – Is that okay? – That’s fine with me. You open the doors to the church, walk in, everyone make I guess
an investigate check. (dice rolls) – Can I use Detect Magic? – [Brennan] Yes. – Can I use perception instead or– – [Brennan] Sure. What’d you get? – 17.
– [Brennan] 17. – 10. – 24. – I got a 22 perception. – 24 perception, 22. Awesome. You guys see tons of rubble. The back, so taking an
entire doorway out of a thing is incredible, your Detect Magic reveals that there is some residual magic here of a stone softening
type, some divine magic. And also a very faint residual
enhancing of an ability. Like a strength modifying transmutation. – Oh, so this I think
was done through magic but also through strength,
this is a team effort. This is not one person it feels like. – So you think they
physically moved it out and then they physically
had to move it away? – I think (bleep), I think somebody softened
the stone around it and then somebody else who was made to be incredibly strong, or maybe several people, I don’t know, pulled the doorway away. – Mayhap some paladin and a barbarian? – I pick up a djembe
because it brings me calm. (drum beats) – I just start playing the djembe. – Can I look at, for any footprints or any kind of evidence of– – That was what your guys
investigation check was for. – [Emily] Gotcha. – You see there’s some footprints in here. You can check more around the outside of the church if you– – Yeah, that’s what I want. – Can we check– – Yeah, can we take a, do you
have things in your brief case that could take a cast of the footprints? – I guess so. – [Siobhan] In your little police kit? – I’ve got a disguise kit, so I feel like– – Yeah, go ahead and make
your investigation check for the exterior of the church. (dice rolls) – 26. – 26? Riz, you pop your magnifying glass out and are looking all the way around. By the curb, you see
the faintest skid marks of a large four-wheeled vehicle. – Does it look like a (bleep) van? – The van? – We gotta go back to the van! – All right, back to school. – But what, let’s make a
plan before we go back, ’cause then we’re gonna be on camera the whole time we’re there. – I mean, if– – I know what we’ll do. We’ve got, we put the ticket on there, so I can go and pretend to just be, or one of us can go, or a group of us can go and pretend to be just rudely enforcing the ticket. – Can you– – And see if anyone’s in the van. – Can you dress as another teacher, can you disguise yourself
as another teacher and investigate it? – Always. – I’ll just stand far away, when we’re in the parking lot. – What if, okay, so we’re
pretty sure Coach Daybreak is in the middle of this. What if I go and talk to Coach Daybreak and try to keep him in
a room talking to him as long as I can about religion, and you are him, it feels like he’s in the center of this. – You guys rush back to the school. Upon rushing back, you guys see that the school’s let out, it’s twilight, and the back doors of the van are open. (Emily sighs) – Let’s sneak over. – Detect Magic or sneak up to it? – Yeah, let’s, my Detect Magic
spell is still going, right? – Yes, you still have
your Detect Magic going. You see a faint trace of magic leading over to the bloodrush field. – Oh, my Detect Good and
Evil’s still going, right? – A powerful evil traces
over to the bloodrush field. – Oh no, the bloodrush field. We have to go talk to those jocks. – Perhaps you should give
us a speech before we go rush over to the bloodrush field? – I don’t know if I have one in me, but you know what? (laughs) Of course I do. You guys,
(tender piano music) I’m not gonna mix words, okay? There’s no God. (laughter) There’s no devil. – It’s gonna get inspired. – There’s no hope. – There’s definitely gods and devils. – Everything is random. And not the good random,
like you go to Vegas and you’re excited because it’s random. – Where is Vegas? – Bad random. Oh, that was my brother and he was just smashed by a hound. – What? – When you’re really young
and a hound looks big. – What is Vegas? – And we don’t know. There’s no rhyme or reason. Wind chimes are (bleep) annoying because of how erratic they are, okay? It’s not good that it’s random. There’s no good in it. And maybe… Maybe it’s nice that we
all found each other. Because I’m glad that we’re all friends. And we all bring something
different to the group. And maybe that’s all for a reason. Maybe it was so nice that I met you all and it’s a perfect fit. And someone out there
is looking out for you, (shouting) or maybe not! (normal voice) And maybe
the blood-soaked nails are still in my hands– – But at least we’re together, right? – Yeah. – Yes! (everyone chattering) – I want to disguise
myself as a Harvestman. – You guys, you do that. Whoom, disguise. You guys hear a colossal shrieking noise and the breaking of stone
from the bloodrush field. – Oh, run! – We run towards it. – [Brennan] You sprint
to the bloodrush field– – Let me be in the lead ’cause I look like a Harvestman. – I’m standing in front of you. (laughter) – On one side of the field is an enormous stone arch from the church that is pulsing with infernal energy. On the other is a chest
that has been opened. Coach Daybreak and a legion
of skeletal bloodrush players, their padding hanging from their frame, turn to look at you, Coach Daybreak turns, smiles. (deep voice) Kristen,
good to see you, kiddo. – Right. – (deep voice) Tryouts are over. My man. – (whispers) Oh God. – (deep voice) But you know what? Just for today, (shouting) let’s play ball! I’m gonna need you all to roll initiative. – [Ally] Oh Jesus Christ. (dice rolling) Oh sorry. – And that’s it for this
week on Fantasy High! Tune in next week where we see how it shakes down with old Coach Daybreak on the field. Later! – I knew that guy was bad, I knew it! – The arch from the Church of Sol glimmers with kinetic magic potential. Skeletons charge forward as Coach Daybreak blows on his whistle. (sound of whistle blowing) (deep voice) Shouldn’t have
come back to the field, kiddo, you got no heart! – (shouting) Let’s play! (Brennan gasps) (imitating bones rattling) (laughter) – Where are you going? – You got it, girl. (laughter) – I’m going to take out the On the Subject of World Religions. (laughter) And channel divinity. – (shouting) You
befriended these heretics! And liars! You have a judgment of faith, Kristen! – (bleep) you, Daybreak! – (bleep) you raw! (dramatic music) – (laughs) Dice. Guys, that’s all for this
chapter of Dimension 20. But wait. More full episodes call out to you from the realms beyond Dropout.tv! Will you come to their aid and sign up for your free trial today? You guys see these
skeletons rush the field. (sound of fierce groaning)