Constance: Okay Scooby Gang. Constance: So I am happy to report that we have heard of no paranormal activity since we buried the Necronomicon. Constance: No possessions. No creepy, grabby feel-y trees. Constance: No rising of an army of the dead. Constance: Or an army of darkness. Constance: Uh. Constance: So far it has been a successful foray into avoiding another time worn, horror trope filled scenario. Constance: Which truth be told, is not very common for us. Constance: I feel like we are practically horror trope magnets. Constance: Honestly. I wake up in the morning and I feel like I’m just sprayed with trope pheromones. Constance: Out of nowhere. Constance: That is if I’ve slept. Which recently has been pretty rare. [knocking] Max: Hey, uh, you got a second? Constance: Um, well. You know, if you compare the lifespan of a normal person versus the lifespan of a chosen girl, Constance: Then I have exactly 60 percent less seconds than the average person. Constance: So. Constance: In short, the clock’s ticking Max. Max: So, that’s a no then? Constance: What’s the sitch? Max: So, I got the address of KJ and Paco’s shop. Max: Well, Jimmy got the address. Well, okay. Jimmy had Whisper get the address. Constance: Why didn’t you just call or text KJ? Max: I did not think of that. Max: But I will consider that for the next time. Constance: Okay. So where are we going? Max: Into town. It’s about a half hour away. Constance: Sweet. I mean, I know the city pretty well from my street rat days. Constance: So, KJ thinks it’s pretty haunted. Constance: So, um. I want to do some EVPs when we get there and also Constance: Try to figure out pretty fast what is going on there and what we’re dealing with. Constance: Because then we can bust that ghost like it’s name is slimer. Max: Right. Max: About that. Constance: Why are you so concerned? Constance: It’s not like it’s gonna be hard, right? Constance: I mean, we’re not getting lost in the woods and we aren’t finding any frog people. Constance: I mean, it’s just gonna be a ghost in hookah lounge. Constance: I mean, it’s pretty much Ghost Adventures or Ghost Hunters season one. Level Mellow. Max: It’s not the ghost thing that I’m concerned about. Constance: Okay? Constance: Is it the me not sleeping enough thing? Constance: Because I’ll let you know that I took a nap yesterday and it was three hours long. Constance: Which is like two hours longer than my normal nap. Max: As concerning as that is, and that is very very concerning. Max: No, that’s not it either. Constance: Did he set up shop on like the seventh level of hell? Constance: Cause I actually have stuff for that. If that’s the case. Max: No. It’s on Walton Street. Constance: Oh. Constance: So that’s a thing. Constance: Um, okay. Well, we’re not going to Walton Street. Constance: So uh, I guess I’ll just him an email and we’ll send over some sage and he can do some chants. And that’ll be that. Max: Look, I know how you feel about Walton Street. Constance: I don’t think anybody knows really quite how I feel about Walton Street. Max: Well, maybe if you would talk about it, it would also help- It would help you. Max: It’s got to. Constance: Look Max. I have lots of dark stories that I could tell from my past. Constance: Tons of ’em. And I would be willing to share almost any one of those stories with YouTube or some dumb doctor or TV. Constance: But just not that one. Max: Look, all I’m saying is maybe going and seeing KJ and going there would help. Max: Like it’s- What do they call it? Exposure therapy. That is a thing. Max: I looked it up. Constance: Exposure therapy?
Max: Yes. Constance: Max, do you know what I’ve been exposed to? Constance: Doctors. Lots of doctors. And I know what exposure therapy is. I definitely know it’s a thing. Constance: And I face fears every single day. Every single day of my life. So I don’t understand why I have to face this fear. Max: See that’s the thing Constance. You face other people’s fears. Max: When is the last time you’ve actually faced one of your own? Constance: Look, don’t get all Obi-Wan on me, okay? You grow a beard and you suddenly think you’re a Jedi and, Constance: Your Jedi mind tricks of logic are not going to work on me. Okay? Max: Well, I mean you have to face it now or later. Max: And speaking of being a chosen girl and the life expectancy that you have. Max: Doesn’t leave you a lot of time. So. You know, facing it now doesn’t sound that bad. Constance: Are you seriously using my midlife crisis against me right now? Max: Yes. Yes. I am. Constance: That is low. Max: Look, in your line of work you could die tomorrow. Max: You’ll be walking down the street. Boom. Get jumped by a vampire. End of your life crisis. Constance: You’re getting lower. Max: Look, if you punch your ticket too soon and you don’t resolve previous issues in your life. Max: You know what happens. Constance: Don’t say it Max. I know what happens. Don’t fucking say it. Max: You know what I’m talking about. I’m gonna say it.
Constance: Don’t say it out loud. No. Max: I’m going to say it because it needs to be said. Constance: Don’t freaking say it. Max: You will be a ghost. And you will be the exact same thing that you hunt day in and day out. Constance: Oh my god, Max. You are ruthless. Constance: And I for one, am glad that I was not primarily raised by you in my formative years. Constance: Imagine what I could have become. Jimmy: Max, remember when we were kids? Jimmy: And you told me to stick my face in a log like Cujo. Cause I wanted to know what rabies were? Whisper: What are you working on? Constance: Um. I’m going through a bunch of Nicole’s old footage from like the graveyard and stuff. Constance: Trying to see if I missed anything. Constance: Cause, you know, the Necronomicon didn’t just up and walk to Ohio and put itself in our attic. Constance: So. Gloria’s trying to look into the past owners of the house. Constance: So between the two of us, hopefully we can come up with the full story. Constance: What are you working on?
Whisper: Oh, I was hoping you would ask. Constance: Whoa! Kill it! Kill it with fire!
Max: Is that a critter?! Shoot it! Whisper: Hey! Whoa! Whisper: It’s not real. It’s fake. Constance: You almost dropped me like Disney dropped James Gun. Whisper: It’s- Ugh. Look. Whisper: See? Fake. Whisper: Can we get a real one? Max & Constance: No! Whisper: You guys are no fun. I can’t even believe that I’m related to you. Whisper: It’s so stupid. Constance: Look, I think your not paranormal dog is enough on the pet front. Okay? Constance: I can’t even believe that you have the nards to ask for a real critter after that. Jimmy: Um, so critters are real? Constance: Yeah, the movies are based on something that happened a long time ago, but they definitely took a lot of liberties with it. Jimmy: Man, I want one. Max & Constance: No. Jimmy: You guys suck. Okay? Whisper: Thank you. Jimmy: I mean, I’m so glad that this car ride is coming to a close. Walton Street is coming right up. Constance: That shopping complex wasn’t here the last time. Constance: Must’ve been what they were building when we- Constance: Okay, yeah just um. Park as close to the store as possible Uncle Jimmy. Max: So I bet he’s been eaten. Constance: I think he’s setting up a jump-scare. Jimmy: No, I think he’s pooping. Whisper: I bet it’s aliens. Whisper: Mmm. It’s always aliens. Constance: You guys uh, wanna put money on that? Like 5 bucks? Max: Yeah. Absolutely.
Whisper: Money? Jimmy: I got this. Whisper: Okay. Jimmy: Alright guys. Hand it all over. Max: No. Jimmy: Yes Max. Max: If we give it you then you’re not gonna give it to whoever wins.
Jimmy: Well I’m gonna win so it doesn’t matter. Whisper: I don’t got pockets. Just my hood. Jimmy: Alright. Hand it all over guys. Constance: No! Don’t give him your money until you know he’s won. He won’t give it back
Jimmy: Yeah, she trusts me. Whisper: Wha- I don’t understand this game. Jimmy: Alright, hand it over guys.
KJ: Oooo, man. Jimmy: Hand it over. There you go. KJ: Ew! Ew!
Jimmy: Come on Constance. Jimmy: There you go. Alright.
Whisper: You’re dropping it. Whisper: Oh, I’ll keep that. Whisper: Got some left. KJ: Well, well, well. KJ: If it isn’t the Scooby Gang. Constance: KJ. You scoundrel! What have you done with my cameraman? KJ: Your cameraman?
Constance: Yeah. KJ: Your cameraman. Constance: Oh, I’m just kidding with you.
KJ: Hey what’s up? KJ & Constance: It’s good to see you! Constance: Yeah.
KJ: Oh yeah. Constance: I heard you have a ghost problem.
KJ: Yeah, I do. Max: You sure it’s not a vape cloud ghost problem?
Whisper: A what? KJ: I can see you brought the family pet, huh? Constance: Okay guys, can we not inflate our chests yet? We just got here. Come on. Constance: We’re here to help our good friend KJ with his ghosts problem.
KJ: That’s right. KJ: (to Constance) Why you being so nice to me? Constance: Eh, I’ll tell you later. Jimmy: Okay, there’s no reason-
KJ: (to Constance) Are you pregnant or something? Constance: No. Why would I be pregnant?
Whisper: You’re pregnant? KJ: Because the last person that was so nice to me that told me they would ‘tell me later’ told me I had a two year old daughter. Whisper: We’re getting a two year old daughter?
Constance: No. Jimmy: Hey, if anyone’s gonna be pregnant, it’s gonna be me guys. So calm down. Constance: Okay, guys, can we get back on topic?
Max: Please. Constance: Let’s go hear some ghost stories, get some EVPs and you know, get your game faces on. Constance: Stop talking about babies! Constance: You’re wierding me out!
KJ: Still a workaholic I see. KJ: Man.
Jimmy: She knows best. KJ: It’s not alive. Whisper: Not yet. KJ: Still a weird ass kid. She needs her daddy in her life. Max: You know that uh, doghouse you build in the backyard?
KJ: Yeah. Max: I burnt it. To the ground. All of it. KJ: Still an asshole! KJ: Still an asshole!
Max: Ashes. KJ: Okay! I lost a finger over that! Max: I’m glad! Jimmy: Got you a card saying how much I missed you, but I lost it. Jimmy: So, I’m here brother. Jimmy: Yeah!
KJ: We cool as fuck bro. KJ: Even though you lost my card. We still cool as fuck man. You my dude, For real.
Jimmy: I lose shit all the time. KJ: I’m gonna tell you guys what’s going on back here.
Jimmy: Welcome back, my friend. Jimmy: Ey man, what the toilet paper there man. It kinda came out of my bootyhole. KJ: Look guys. I’m telling you, right? KJ: This thing. This thing. It attacks me. KJ: It’s violent. As violent as I don’t know what. Look. KJ: This is where it happened. Two nights ago, right? KJ: When I first got- Now, why are you looking at me like that? Huh? Max: I’m not sure I believe you yet. Just carry on. KJ: Why didn’t you just leave him at home? KJ: Anyway! Two nights ago. I got my Ms. Pac-Man in here right? KJ: And I plugged it in, right? And I was about to plug it in again, right? KJ: And then I just- I’m playing Ms. Pac-Man. I’m playing. Ms. Pac-Man. Right down there. KJ: And then, all of a sudden, somebody freaking tosses a pool ball. KJ: Boom! At my head! It hits me, man. Knocked my glasses off. KJ: Almost knocked me unconscious.
Max: Who threw it? KJ: Well, the ghosts do it Max. KJ: Okay?
Jimmy: So whose the ghost then? KJ: Well, that’s what we’re here to find out. KJ: Who the ghost is? Alright? KJ: I’m telling you that’s what happened. KJ: Over there playing Ms. Pac-Man. I am not going down there. I am not doing it. Whisper: Did you get a high score or-?
KJ: Hey! Constance: Good question.
KJ: Where you going in there man? Max: I said what’s this? Jimmy: Max, you just don’t open people’s doors.
KJ: Right, man. Whisper: You can’t do that.
Max: We’re investigating. Why not? KJ: But you can’t investigate in there, okay?
Max: Why not? KJ: Because that’s Paco’s room. KJ: Okay?
Constance: Hi Paco! Max: It looks like an editing room. KJ: Look man, ey. Max.
Constance: Is he in there? Whisper: How’s he doing?
KJ: Paco loves to edit. What can I say, bro? Max: Is there any ventilation in there? KJ: Ey man. Ey! Ey! Ey! Ey! Ey! KJ: Get out of Paco’s- Ey. Look.
Max: Easy. KJ: Okay? We don’t need to know what’s going on. What Paco is doing in there, okay?
Max: Easy. KJ: I’m just saying.
Whisper: I think you’re crossing some boundaries. KJ: Hey, don’t worry about what I’m doing, okay? He’s here illegally. KJ: Alright? Don’t worry about Paco. Let’s worry about this ghost! KJ: Okay? Some of the other things that it’s doing. Like- KJ: I swear-
Constance: So you’ve seen it since the first time? KJ: Man, look.
Constance: Where it hit you in the head? KJ: It hit me in the head. I didn’t see the ghost. But it hit me in the head. KJ: I can feel the presence-
Whisper: Where in the head? KJ: Right in the back of the freak- Look! Right back here, in the back of the head! KJ: It hit me in the back of my head with a pool ball. Max: Glad it didn’t hit you in the middle.
Whisper: A pool! KJ: Look, man. Are you here to help?
Whisper: Sure it wasn’t a beach ball? KJ: Okay well help. Please help.
Jimmy: Let me ask you this one then. KJ: Uh huh? Jimmy: Where in the back of your head did it hit?
Constance: We already figured out where in the back of his head. Whisper: Nah, I think it’s a perfectly relevant question. Constance: So has stuff been happening since the first incident? KJ: Yes! That’s what I’m trying to get at right there! KJ: Would you guys- Look. Stop interrupting me wolf boy! And just listen, okay? Constance: Breathe.
KJ: Look, a couple of days ago. KJ: I’m out here, right? And I’m checking my inventory. Max: Wait is this the same day that you got hit in the head with the “pool ball”? Max: Cause you said that was a couple days ago. So I’m just trying to make sure the story’s straight.
Constance: Stop using air quotes! Constance: Let him speak! Whisper: The negative energy is really making me feel angry. Okay? I think you need to stop. Whisper: Everyone calm down! KJ: Look. Anyway. Before I was rudely interrupted by wolf man Jack over there. KJ: Look. I’m out here two days ago, right? A couple of days ago. Three days ago. Whatever! KJ: How many ever days ago it was. I’m out there. KJ: And then the freaking vape case starts shaking. It starts shaking, right? KJ: And I walk over there and then everything just explodes! Right in my face! Constance: Well, I mean if it’s made physical contact it’s probably a demon. Jimmy: So did you get the ghost juice on you? KJ: Fuck ghost juice man. What are you talking about? Why does everything have to be a demon? KJ: KJ is no longer a ghost hunter. Okay? KJ: So basically what I need you guys to do is to find out who is haunting my shop! KJ: Who or what! Come on Scooby Gang. This is what you guys do. Can you please do that for me? Jimmy: So the first thing we’re gonna do is find out who’s haunting your shop. Constance: The first thing we’re gonna do is, yes, find out who or more likely what is haunting this shop. Jimmy: Exactly.
Whisper: Can we order pizza? Constance: Sure. We can order- I think he already has pizza back there. Constance: The point is we’re going to go chat to it and do an EVP session.
KJ: (to Whisper) It’s not yours. Max: Finally.
Constance: And hopefully it’ll talk back. KJ: Look. Why does it always have to be a demon? KJ: How come it can’t be like, some little friendly ghost? Like Casper or something, you know? Constance: Casper was pro ghost propaganda that was created by the government. Okay? Because they don’t want to investigate the paranormal. KJ: Look. I want the ghost gone. Constance: Okay, so we all know how this works, right? We all know the drill? Constance: So I’m gonna turn on the EVP recorder and then we’re all gonna ask questions. Constance: And I’m thinking the ghost might respond better to one of our energies rather than another one. Constance: So we should all take a turn asking a question. Constance: So everybody has their questions ready, right?
Max: Yup. Constance: Yeah? Whisper? Whisper: Yes. Yeah. Constance: Jimmy? Constance: You’re concerning me over there. Jimmy: Well, I had a question but- I was gonna ask its name. But Max always takes that. Max: That’s my question. That’s the one I ask every single time. Whisper: Well maybe you gotta give someone else a turn. Jimmy: Yeah.
Whisper: Sharing is caring. Constance: Jimmy you’re gonna have to ask a different question.
Jimmy: That’s the only question I know. Max: Well, don’t be a crybaby because that question was reserved for this guy. Jimmy: Well, don’t be a just shut up.
Max: Baby. Jimmy: Shut up. Constance: Alright, how about this. Okay, Jimmy. Constance: You’ll go last so then while we’re going you have extra time to think of a different question, okay? Jimmy: Okay. Constance: We all ready? KJ: I was born ready. Constance: Is there something here with us? Max: What is your name? KJ: (sing-songy) Where are you from? Jimmy: [laughing] Yeah. Whisper: Were you a person or something else? Jimmy: Do you like real cake or cheesecake? Whisper: Hey, can he (critter) ask one?
Max: Seriously Jimmy? Cheescake? Constance: No. Your critter is not gonna ask one. Whisper: Why not? Constance: Because he’s not alive. Whisper: He can hear you. Whisper: You’re making him fussy. Max: This isn’t going well.
KJ: Hey! KJ: And lay off Jimmy man. Nothing is wrong with cheesecake. Alright? Jimmy: Yeah!
KJ: Wolf boy. Max: I didn’t say there was anything wrong with cheesecake, but- Max: You know what?
KJ: I like it too. It’s my favorite. Constance: Alright. Can we shush so we can listen to this back? Jimmy: No. Max is an asshole. Constance: Alright. Shush. Recording: [Constance] Is there something here with us? Recording: [Max] What is your name? Recording: [unexplained sound] Whisper: Is someone gonna ask what that means or why your face looks so serious? Whisper: Cause it’s almost his bedtime. We gotta go. Constance: Okay, well. Constance: The good news is I don’t think you have a demon KJ.
KJ: Yes! [laughter] KJ: Jack. Pot.
Max: But. Constance: I’ve dealt with spirits like this before. Constance: It’s just, I’m gonna have to do a little bit of research. Constance: Okay? I think I know how to beat it for the most part, but I’m gonna have to research it. Constance: In the meantime, I could put a ward up before we leave. Constance: That way no more ghosts join the party in here. KJ: What?!
Max: I could uh, sage the place. KJ: Hey wolf boy. Do you think I want you to sage the place, huh? KJ: And what do you mean put a ward up so no other ghosts come partake in the party? I mean, what do you mean? KJ: I just want one ghost. Constance: I know.
KJ: I don’t want this to be a ghost haven or a ghost mecca. KJ: Alright?
Constance: That’s why I’m gonna put the ward up. KJ: What kind of ward you gonna put up? Like a canine ward? KJ: Huh? I don’t want any canines here. Alright? Jimmy: Alright guys. I want to know one thing. Jimmy: Am I gonna have to have sex with this thing? Whisper: No!
Max: No. KJ: Why would you want to- Dude! Jimmy: Because if you want me to have sex with this thing, I will. Whisper: We’re not asking that!
Max: Jimmy! That’s enough with the sex! KJ: Hold on. If he has sex with the ghost, will the ghost go with you guys? Whisper: It’s every time.
Max: No. It’ll have baby ghosts and you’ll be populated a whole, Max: Haze full of ghost babies.
Whisper: Babies? Jimmy: Okay now you’re getting weird.
Max: Well. Jimmy: Max always gotta- You’re always ruining things. Max: I told you this was a bad idea.
Whisper: It’s okay. It’s okay. Max: It’s not okay.
Whisper: It’s okay. Shh. Constance: Alright. KJ. You called the right friends to help you with this. KJ: Guy’s want to know something?
Jimmy: No. KJ: You’re my only friends. Constance: Exactly. KJ: I don’t want to go over there. You guys- Do I have to go? Constance: Focus Whisper.
Whisper: I thought we were friends. Constance: Focus!
KJ: Focus Whisper. Whisper: I’m sorry.
Constance: EVPs first. Pizza second. Whisper: I’m hungry.
Max: Are you guys sure he’s okay in here? KJ: Look man! I said don’t go in there.
Max: Alright. Whatever. Whisper: He’s probably sleeping. Max: Just wanted to make sure.
KJ: Yes, that’s his bedroom in there.
Whisper: He needs his beauty sleep. Jimmy: Guys, guys. Listen. Remember this. Remember this. Jimmy: Remember this. (singing) Goodbye my friend. Whisper: Oh I remember that. Constance: Yeah. KJ: I remember that too.
Jimmy: Yeah! KJ: Yeah!
Jimmy: What the fuck’s wrong with him (Max)? KJ: He’s going ghost hunting.
Constance: I guess. Jimmy: Whatever.
Whisper: Hey, can I play the Pac-Man machine now? KJ: Is it okay? You gonna put the ward up? KJ: Put the ward up and the safety net.
Max: You know, I just have one last thing I’m gonna say and then I’m done. Max: You better just hope I don’t burn the place down. Max: Just like your dog house.