Hasan Has Suggestions for Celebrating Eid | Deep Cuts | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj | Netflix

Hasan Has Suggestions for Celebrating Eid | Deep Cuts | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj | Netflix

September 17, 2019 100 By William Hollis


“How did you celebrate Eid al-Fitr? What
was the best iftar you had this Ramadan?” Is anyone – did anyone celebrate Eid today? – Yeah. There we go. Well, Eid Mubarak, you guys. Um, for those of you guys– That’s good. For those of you guys who
don’t know, Eid is like our Christmas. So, it’s fun, but, obviously
we don’t get the day off and… Here we are. It was kind of whack.
I’ll be 100% honest. Like I went to – I went to the mosque
this morning, and then here I am, so… Yeah, it was– Yeah, how was your Eid?
Was it good? Yeah, you asked–
I mean you asked the– – You were like, “That’s my–” Where’d you – where’d you go? You ate during the day? – That’s the best part. Where you’re just like, “Water!” You’re like, “I can think
like a normal person.” Um, what was the best iftar you had? So, what’s that? Like, what would that… – Okay. What’s the best iftar I’ve had? I was at work a lot, so it was pretty
depressing. It was, like, Seamless. Um– Yeah, I wish I had a better answer. Uh, yeah, that was probably
the best iftar I had. It’s really sad– Okay, we’re gonna edit
this out, this is getting– This is, like, making me, like,
reassess my life. “If you could rewind life back to a point in time
of your choice to relive those moments, what time of your life
would you choose?” That’s from Jay. Wow, is Jay here? Damn, Jay. Jay’s here? Is that you? Oh, I thought you were like,
“It’s over there.” Ah. Okay. What time would it be? My life’s pretty good right now. I like it
right now – it’s pretty – it’s pretty fun. I’d wanna time travel, that’d be dope. Yeah. Really? Is that why you
asked this question? Well, everybody says Ancient Greece was, like,
the – the peak moment of human civilization. Why are you guys laughing at that part? I would wanna see, like, alright, what’s, like,
let’s see what’s good. I would really… Peak moment of my life? Mmm, I would say– Do you guys remember, like,
in elementary school when– whenever there’d be, like, holiday parties?
There’d be, like, a Halloween party? So, like, Miss Anderson would be like, “There’s no class today, we’re
just doing a Halloween party,” and you’d be like, “Ahhhh!” Or, like, um, or, like, remember the day– remember when they would, they would– you would, like, come to school, because
you didn’t know what was gonna happen, you would just go to school. And then, remember, like, when
it was, like, during wintertime, and they’d be like, “Today we’re
just making gingerbread houses.” Yeah, those– Like, that day was awesome. You know what I’m talking about, right? You would make a gingerbread house
and you eat like half of it and then it’d just be in your house
and it’d just be stale. It’d just be sitting there for, like,
three weeks and you’re like, “This is just a half-eaten
gingerbread house.” Did I just experience that, or did we
all have gingerbread house day? You remember gingerbread house day? – Yeah. Yeah. That… I would do gingerbread
house day every day. That’s what I wish Eid – like,
I wish we had that for Eid. I’ve made this, like, commitment where
I’m like, I’ve told, like, my wife, I’m like, “We’ve gotta make Eid fun,
we gotta make it super cool.” But like, our holidays are not fun.
We have to figure something out. We need a dreidel, we need toys,
we need stuff. We– There has to be some sort of,
like, marketing thing around it. It can’t just be, like, milk and dates. You know what I mean? We need
capitalism, we need to– You know what I mean? We gotta make it–
What do you think? What do we gotta do? We need a mascot. We need a Santa.
First thing’s first, we need a Sa– We need something. The moon? Ugh! That’s the thing, because we can’t draw–
Like, there’s no drawings, right? There’s no statues, there’s no drawings,
so it has to be our imagination. But you need… So, the moon would be a character. Then you all, like– [sigh] I’m trying to think. Gingerbread mosque –
that’d be weird. Like, how – we need a thing. Jennie, what’d you do for Christmas?
Christmas must have been super poppin’. I remember Christmas was so sad for me. Because you have – you have the holiday,
and then you, like, go to your neighbors’ and you’re like, “ding dong,”
and like, Chris is like, “Uhh, I’m with my grandpa,
we’re opening presents.” So nobody, like, everything’s closed
and nobody can come out and play. So, you’re just like, “Alright.” Yeah, you have to wait ‘til, like, the 27th. There’s, like, a 72-hour delay. It’s a bummer. Alright, so no Greece? What time – what period of time
would you go back to? Think about it. You can
go back any time. High school? What year of high school? What year
of high school was good? Junior year?! What?! You hear that, bro? There’s a mutiny.
There’s a full on mutiny. Dude it’s– Sudan is happening right here,
right now to you. They’re about to topple you like Omar
al-Bashir. They’re like, “junior year?!” What, were you not studying? No, you’re so wrong. Last two weeks
of senior year are probably the best. Nothing matters. I would say, I would say, best time
is second semester senior year, summer before you go to college– The best time. So poppin’. You’re old enough to leave the house. Hopefully you have, like, some form of,
like, you know you can, like, you have some disposable income, right?
Like some – you know what I mean? You can now drive or leave with friends. Like, you think life is hard,
but it’s not hard at all. No expectations. Pff. I would go back and live those, like,
six months. Oh, my god. The best. Yeah. And there was no Netflix during that window
of my, like, do you know what I mean? I would’ve just, like, can you imagine
being second semester senior year now? Just plug into the Matrix
and watch everything. You’re a second semester senior? What a time to be alive. Is it – what’s uhh – what are
you doing during this time? You’re here on a Tuesday. That’s amazing. How did you guys get in?
It’s supposed to be eighteen and over, right? You guys are eighteen, too?
You guys are, like, invincible. There’s nothing that can stop you. Oh, my god. That’s amazing. What are you guys doing after this? You’re going back – what do you mean
you’re going back to school? I know, but what are you doing after this?
I’m not gonna hang out with you guys, I’m saying what– What things – what fills,
like what fills your– Can I tell you what I used to do? Seventh period I’d get out of calculus AB,
I’d get home – I’d take my ‘91 Nissan Stanza – get home, open the door,
no one’s at home, I would take a fucking nap! I would nap from 3:30 to 6:30. Insanity. Get up– I would go work at Office Max…
because I had a job at Office Max. I would not do homework because nothing mattered. Yeah, And then I would, next day… Yeah. Tomorrow is cut day? Both days are cut day. That’s awesome. Do you guys like adulthood? Really? Do you know there’s some moments in
adulthood that’s really cool, though? Say what? Not turning 21. Like, okay so, ehh, I mean,
I didn’t drink, so it wasn’t like, when people are like, “21!,”
it wasn’t, like, a thing. But, um, I remember, like, uh,
me and – me and Beena, we went to the movie theaters
the other… the other day. We went to go see Aladdin
because you just have to. And, you know what I mean?
They’re like, “You’re going, right?” And, uh, we went to go see Aladdin,
and then I was like, “Hey, do you – do you wanna
get popcorn?” And she was like, “Yeah.” And I’m like, “I have, like–
I can just buy popcorn.” Like, my mom’s not gonna stop me. Like no one’s gonna be like,
“That was eight dollars.” You’re not bringing pop– I didn’t have
to, like, sneak anything in. And it was crazy, it was like,
“Yeah, let’s get popcorn.” it was badass. I don’t know! I don’t know if you guys
understand what I’m saying. It was like a real – it was a moment. Registered trademark. it was a fuckin’ moment™. I was like, “we’re doin’ this.” And like, oh, man…it was crazy. I knew
I was being ripped off, like, all of it. It was great. I was an adult,
I could just do it. What’s another cool adult thing? Oh– We were, like, we were – the other day
we were, like, walking. And… you know how adults do. No, but we were, like, um, we were, like,
holding hands and I saw – like, an older, like, auntie and uncle that were –
they were walking past us. So we dropped hands. Dude, we’re married and
we dropped hands! We’re like this, we’re like,
“doo doo doo…” Yeah, it was over by, um, over
by Lincoln Center, yeah. We’re like, “What if they tell on us?” “What if they know our parents?” And then I was like, “I can hold your
hand in public. We’re adults.” You still gotta hide it, right? Huh? Maybe? Yeah, you definitely
have to hide it. I mean, this is gonna be on YouTube,
but you definitely– Sorry, bro. Sorry, dog. Alright. “What is the biggest lie
you’ve told your parents?” What is the biggest lie
you’ve told your parents? That you’re at school? “How do you feel about that many Indian
kids winning the spelling bee this year?” It was six boys and two girls,
did you know that? They’re called the “Octochamps.” So weird. Okay, you guys – you guys wanna –
can I quiz you on the words? Alright, here we go. Alright, here, spell it. This is
one of the winning words: Auslaut. – Are you Indian? – You have to spell it. Yeah. Just do – spell it. No. Auslaut. Starts with an A. I’m gonna give
you that – starts with an A. A-S? No! Okay, okay. A-U… Yes. Yes. Close. I take that as– You got it. Yeah, you got it. You got it. This is insane. Erysipelas? You knew that? How? What is it? What is it?
What is erysipelas? Okay, fine. You do this next one. Bougainvillea. I’m not lying, look. Here, look. Here. Spell it. Go, go, go. But, when you look at it, you’re like, “Of course, bougainvillea.” When you look at it, you’re totally –
you’re like, “Oh, that totally–” I’m showing it to you as
if you could see it. Oh, “Did your family ever follow any
weird superstitions growing up?” Okay. Okay, did you guys, uh, did you guys– Did your parents tell you guys, like – every
culture has this, like, um, like, ghost stories? Like Jinn stories? We call them Jinn. They ever tell you like those crazy,
like, ghost stories? What’d you guys call them? What’s it called? Oh. Yeah, yeah, but is it like, it’s like
a ghost or it’s like an actual– Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, and then, like, do you – do you,
for real, kinda, believe it? Like, like, they would tell me these weird
stories that were, like, uh – it would be like– Uh, okay, so, “Don’t go to the woods,
and fall asleep underneath trees. ’Cause Jinn will come out.” Yeah, right? What does that mean? What is it? What is it? Yeah, at night. Don’t go into the woods, underneath
trees, and fall asleep. What is that? And, and, and then I talk, like, I would
talk it through with my friends, and I’m like, “Maybe what it is,
is trees emit – don’t they emit–” – Carbon dioxide? Yes! So, I was trying to justify it in my mind.
That’s how they got people to be like, “Don’t do that at night because trees
will, like, if you’re in the woods, they’ll emit large amounts of carbon dioxide
and it could poison you.” Right? That’s the way I’m trying to reason something
that scared the shit out of me. But, do you kinda believe it, though? Because sometimes I’d, like, ask my grand–
I would ask my grandparents. I’d be like, “Is that real?”
And they’d be like, “Yeah.” At night? No, no, no, but, at night don’t they – look this
up, there’s something that happens at… This isn’t part of the Sudan episode,
so I don’t have to be right. I can speak purely in hyperbole. Yeah. Do you believe in ghosts?
Do you believe in ghosts? My thing is– is like, don’t –
I would never test it. Do you know what I mean? When people
are like, “Do you really believe that?” And I’m like, “I’m just not gonna test it.” Like at sleepovers, there’d– Did you ever have those friends
that are just like, “Oh, we’ll go in the bathroom and
scream ‘Bloody Mary’ three times.” I’m like, “What is wrong with you?” Brian’s like, “Let’s do it.” I’m like,
“Dude. Brian, I’m trying to live, man.” That’s my thing. I don’t know, but I’m just
not gonna, like – I’m just not gonna press it. Casper? Bro, that’s not real. I don’t know, man. By definition,
ghosts are kinda spooky, they, like, they pop up out of nowhere,
they don’t respect your personal space, like… I’m super profiling ghosts. I’m super ghost-phobic, like, I’ll put it on the
record, I know it’s problematic, but like, I’m not– I’m not trying – no! That’s like, no. Would you give ghosts a chance? Would you give the coconut
man a chance? No! Assume that it’s real.
Would you give the coconut– She’s not gonna be pregnant. That’s not how it works.
That’s not how it works! Bro! You’re descri– What are
you talking about? Dude, you had me.
You so had me up until the end. I don’t think you know how
pregnancy works, dog.