Off The Pill – Christmas Spirit

Off The Pill – Christmas Spirit

December 11, 2019 100 By William Hollis


-Hey, guys. So it’s finally December and you know what that means. Christmas is right around the corner! [dramatic music plays] -How did he know? -And I recently got into an argument with my friend about Christmas spirit, and due to my lack of friends, the part of my friend will be played by a lamp. -[high-pitched voice]: Hi, Ryan. -Hey, what’s up, lamp? -So Christmas is right around the corner and I was wondering, what do you want for Christmas? -Oh, I don’t want anything. -Oh, come on. I don’t know what to get you. -No, seriously, I don’t want anything. -Stop being stubborn and just tell me. -I don’t want a thing! -Oh, because you have everything, huh? -No, it’s because I don’t want you spending your money on something I don’t need. -It’s Christmas; that’s what you’re supposed to do. Where’s your Christmas spirit? -[pitch increasing]: Fine! You know what I want? -What? -A new lamp! -Our voices sound the same right now! -[high-pitched voice]: YEP! [normal voice]: Okay, so maybe it didn’t exactly go like that. But I did get into an argument with a friend of mine and I was accused of not having Christmas spirit. Seriously? I don’t have Christmas spirit because I don’t want my friends spending their hard-earned money on things that I don’t even need? NO! Since when was Christmas spirit about spending money on each other? NEVER! What is the sound that a horse makes anyway? NEIGH! And what do they eat? HAY! AnyWAY! Moving on. One of my favorite parts of the holidays is Christmas music. It’s so happy and joyful, right? Wrong! If you really listened to the lyrics of most Christmas songs, they’re actually not that happy at all. Are you kidding me? A snowman that comes to life? That’s scary as [bleep] I don’t know why I bleeped me; I just said… Are you kidding me? A snowman that comes to life? That’s scary as fire… in a straw house…in the woods…on a windy day… with gasoline everywhere…on-on-on the straw. Get him to a vet. He’s sick. He sees you when you’re sleeping? He knows when you’re awake? Sounds like a stalker to me or a vampire. -[gasps] Edward? -I like watching you sleep. It’s, uh, intriguing to me. -What the f–k? Get the f–k out. -Okay. -[childish voice]: You’re cheating on Daddy? [wind whistling] So… cold. [sobbing] Grandma. By the way, I’m just glad that Christmas songs really haven’t changed that much. Could you imagine what it would sound like if Christmas songs sounded like the music we have today? [heavily Auto-Tuned]: All I want for Christmas Is… You! [Crank That (Soulja Boy) plays] [Auto-Tuned]: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Jingle Bell R-r-r-r-r-r… Jingle… [dubstep music plays] -Under the mistletoe -I’m just kidding about the last one. That’s from Justin Bieber’s new Christmas album, which brings me to my next point. All these artists that make Christmas albums right before Christmas because they know you’re gonna buy it because it’s Christmas are just sick, wrong, and just plain stupid. Overall, I don’t mean to be a downer on the holidays and I did get a little off-topic, but my point is that Christmas spirit isn’t about spending money, it isn’t about buying songs that you’re supposed to listen to, it isn’t about what’s in your stocking or-or or reindeer or reindeer or Ryandeer… It’s about being happy and making other people happy. So, this Christmas, tell your friends, “Let’s not stress over getting gifts for each other and let’s just listen to this really cool Christmas album called A YTF Chris– I’m just kidding; you guys don’t have to get that album. It’s really not that good. But since it’s Christmas, I’ll give you a preview. Here you go. [snaps fingers] [music plays briefly] Thank you guys so much for watching. Have a Happy Christmas. I hate people who say it like that. Merry Holidays! Teehee!